Happy Holidays everybody!

I am sitting here and hoping that you are all in the company of loved ones over this holiday season.

I am with you in spirit.

:)

The Human Condition - Chapter 13

What it's like to be a man, I'll never know. What it's like to be a gay man however, I think I might have a clue.

I mean, it seems that women and gay men have the same issue: not hearing back from whomever they might have just spent a wonderful evening with, and that usually includes sex.

What's up with a man's detachment?

I say, ladies, let's play that game. Let us stop being disappointed when we don't hear back from 'that guy'. Let's stop imagining what could be, and just live in the moment.

Let's get detached.

There are so many men out there, why let one dude get you down when there are so many others that can just lift you right back up? And in my opinion, a guy shouldn't even be necessary to make you feel good about yourself (and certainly shouldn't make you feel bad!).

Yeah, I know, feeling wanted feels damn good, but again, don't let it get you down if he is foolish enough to think that you're not worth any more of his time. Cause I know the people who read this blog, and I gotta tell you, you rock.

So onwards and upwards my good people. Here's to getting through the day with a smile on your face, regardless of it all.

:)

Goodness Gracious

How has it been two weeks since I last posted? How is that possible?

To say the very least, things have been wonderful, and so I guess it's true; time does fly when you're having fun.

And things really do happen for a reason. Whatever those reasons are, life does cycle in and out of good and better moments, with some heavier ones in between.

It's hard to trust the world sometimes, but you have to do it. You have to trust people, you have to trust your surroundings, and you have to trust yourself. Without trust, there can be no confidence. Without confidence, there can be no success.

And today, I am feeling successful, and I know it's because I'm learning how to trust and be confident.

Finally.

To dance a dance

At 5:18pm on the 8 line of the Parisian metro tonight, an accordian band loaded the car that I was sitting in. They began to play, and I began to tap my foot. They began to clap and I began to nod my head. They began to jam out and I helped keep the beat. The man playing closest to me let go of his instrument, reached out to me, and motioned for me to get up and dance with him.

So I did.

And I danced in circles with the accordian man as the train passed from Madeleine to Concord to Invalides. I had no idea if people were watching or not. I have no idea what song we danced to. And I have no idea why I did it.

All I know is that I did. Just like I've done everything else in life. I just got up and took an opportunity by its hand. That's the only way I know how.

The Human Condition - Chapter 12

The human condition. What is it?

It is what makes us smile, and makes us cry. It is what brings laughter to our faces and pain to our hearts. It is the conflict and harmony of sun, the moon and the stars in our celestial body, and it is a black hole too. It is everything we understand, and everything we don't.

I write about it because we're all the same; we're all seeking some salvation, validation, justification, for why we do the things we do, and why people do what they do too. To help make sense of this puzzle.

Sometimes when I write, things become clearer to me. Sometimes they don't. But writing has become the only way I know how to be honest with myself sometimes, especially when the truth hurts and the words -for fear of compounding the pain- cannot escape my mouth.

My words, they creep silently through my thoughts, down my pen, down my fingers, onto a paper or keyboard, whichever is at hand.

One day my written words will find my voice, and the two will fall in step. That is a day I dream about.

That day is not today tho.

And how I wish it was.

But of course...

When you're walking down a pedestrian street filled with people, such as Rue St Andre des Arts, and you see the crowd parting up ahead, upon realizing that it's in fact a veritable Mini trying to putput its way through the mass, naturally you look into the car to see the crazy person trying to steer their way through this maddness, and naturally you see a little old lady with her two dogs in the car -one in the front seat and one in the back... but of course...

There are no words

I'm sitting here listening to a mixture of Etta James and Nina Simone songs... The room has taken on a relaxed jazzy feel and I'm sitting back and enjoying the music.

Sometimes, there are just those days, where you find yourself speechless and all you can do is find music that somehow resonates with the deep tones of your emotions...

I love those kinds of days. Because I love this kind of music. Especially when I feel this way.

The dangers of being too tired...

I laid in bed last night and I thought about today's posting. I had it all straight in my head. I thought of its closing lines as I drifted off to sleep.

And then I woke up having forgotten every word of it.

I sit here now and wonder what it was that I might have thought of.

I sit here and think about my day yesterday.

It was a good day. I saw good friends, I listened to good music, I sat out on my bedroom balcony for a while and enjoyed the view, and I got creative and wrote a little book.

Perhaps today's posting was going to be about good things.

So in that esprit, today is about the good times, the good people, the good food, and this good world. Go hug someone today. ;)

Around every corner

Around every corner there is a new face.
A new place.
A new view.
A new you.

Around every corner there waits the future.

Confidence in your walking ability is all you need.

Left foot right foot. Left foot again.

Step after step, maybe someday this path will make sense.

Until then, corner after corner, around every corner, juts keep trusting in your steps.

These times are strange

The headlines read one thing, the streets say something else. Most of life is happening behind closed doors these days, as bank accounts fold over themselves like the waves of the sea in the middle of a tempete.

In the middle of it all, America elected Barack Obama. I was on the streets on New York City the following morning, and the spirit in the faces of every person I passed was practically tangible.

I have since left and will be watching America's progress from the other side of this here pond. I know I'll be back, because I want to take part in the great things that are to come, but I'm also feeling fortunate to be overseas, to witness how America's economic downfall truly effects the entire world. I feel that from abroad I have better access to international news, and with that it helps me better understand my place in this world, and how I can help.

I think hope is important these days. I think strength, courage, and wisdom can't hurt either. I hope we all live through these times and look back knowing that we did our best.

The Human Condition - Chapter 11

What is it that seasons us into who we are?

I imagine it begins at birth, from that first gasp of air. From there, we either cry all night or sleep soundly. Eventually we grow eager to walk, but to where?

Who comes and goes from our lives having left lasting impressions?

How do we make sense of it all as adults? When reacting to situations, what's really happening in our psyche? Are we simply mimicking what we've learned? Or are we ever truly being ourselves?

From person to person, different things come out in me. Why is this the case?

Synchronicity

This summer my father picked up Carl Jung's book on synchronicity, and it has since become a regular topic of conversation. And since that point, it has also become an eerie presence in my life.

Synchronicity is the "experience of two or more events which are casually unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner". (Thank you Wikipedia.)

I had often confused this phenomenon with destiny, or serendipity (the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something else entirely. Thank you again Wikipedia.)

In an effort to make sense of it all though, I choose chalk down these kinds of experiences to the idea that life is simply letting me know that I'm on the right path, as I watch pieces of the puzzle starting to fall in to place.

Here is what I'm talking about:

Six years ago, a close friend made me a necklace for my birthday; it was a woven hemp collar with a small golem figurine secured in its center. (The figurine came from a class trip to Prague several months earlier. The history of this mythological being comes from Jewish folklore, and as such it was a protector of the Jews in the Prague ghetto against anti-Semetic attacks.)

For years I have traveled across the globe and carried this necklace with me, always hanging it above the doorway in my bedroom; call it a superstition, I always felt like this was my way of warding off bad juju and somehow spiritually protecting myself.

This past summer however, it was the first time I traveled without it. For some reason, as I packed upon leaving one home to move to the next, I placed my golem in a box to store.

That same summer, I saw my friend who had made me that necklace; it was the first time we were too see each other since the necklace was made. Now, three months later, we are due to wed.

It's like life let me know that I wouldn't need the golem to watch over me anymore...

There is another moment which only came to light as of today...

Going back to this summer again, one thing I did bring along with me to my new home was a set of three pictures I have also carried with me everywhere I have gone. It is a set of three photographs of graffiti from Barcelona (one of the most incredible graffiti-decorated cities I've ever seen.) They are encased in small rimless-glass frames, and have been for years.

I tried to remove them from their frames this summer (so as to wall-mount them simply with scotch tape), but two of the three were stuck to the glass and would rip upon any attempt of removal. So I hung the glass frames with duct-tape. (I know, smart.)

One week later, the picture in the frame that could come out fell from the wall. The glass frame broke.

Today I have moved into yet another new home. I live here with three friends, one of whom is my fiancee. As I unpacked, I came across the two of what was left of my three framed pictures, wrapped in my scarf for protection. My fiancee unwrapped the pictures and upon discovering the two frames he said, "Sweet. You can hang them on the two hooks on the wall." At which point he motions over to a spot on the wall where sure enough, there were two hooks hanging perfectly in place to display the two pictures he held in his hands.

It's like life let me know that I'd only have enough space for two of those three pictures soon...

As life progresses it also carries this sense that it is unfolding; as if things happen on a continuum where events are seemingly random, but yet are closely interrelated.

It brings me a great comfort to look at things this way. It makes sense of the truly crazy yet wonderful moments that this world has to offer. It also makes sense of the perceivably mundane and unimportant moments that for some reason you remember upon experiencing some other seemingly everyday commonplace moment; a connection can be sensed.

I am curious to see what other kinds of events come my way as I move forward. It seems that the key to having this kind of relationship with life is to just be yourself, and do as you feel right; because when you drive through the country, mountainside or desert, you can control whether you go right, left or straight, but it is life that controls the obstacles and vistas that line up along your path.

GOBAMA

Two words.

Barack Obama.

America's President.

I'm happy.

Welcome home.

Quitter

Yes, I'm a quitter. I quit things when they're too hard, too easy, and smokable.

It's been almost two weeks now that I'm smoke-free. It's been rather difficult, and there have been times where every inch of my body screamed for just one drag, but I have resisted. I realize that it's just about getting past the moment. Those cravings come in waves and if I can just ride them out, then eventually I'm back to my serene voyage.

I did smoke on Halloween though. I stole drags from cigarettes being smoke around me by friends. But I don't let this get me down. I look at those moments as wind in my sails, allowing me to step further into my non-smoking obscurity. A few drags here, a few drags there, and some alcohol in between, due to that one night this week has been much easier for me than the one before.

So for those of you out there who hope to do what I'm doing, just know that it's all about day by day. If you slip up one day, it's okay. There's always tomorrow to make good on your promise to yourself; just don't forget that you did in fact make a promise to yourself, so don't let those slipups happen too often. ;)

WHOAH..

Oh, wow, sorry my friends! I hadn't realized that so much time had passed since my last post! I'll be doing a series now to try and catch up!

It doesn't make sense...

How can an organism want something that is harmful to it? Specifically, I'm talking about addiction and illness, and ultimately death.

As a smoker, I'm trying to make sense of my cravings for cigarette after cigarette after cigarette. How can my body do this to me? Isn't it wired for survival?

I learned once that you cannot leave too much food out for a labrador retriever because they will eat themselves to death, literally. I can relate somehow; I also seem to lack this ability to stop when I'm ahead.

I would like to quit smoking. Rather, I would like to rid myself of the cravings I have for them; no matter how much I give in, it only leaves me feeling more enslaved. For every cigarette, I want another, and for those two I want one more.

I want to take my life back. And I want to hold on to it for as long as I can. I know what needs to be done. *

*Warning: if I do actually try to quit, I'll probably post regularly about the hell I'm going through, as I've been smoking for 15 years... wish me luck, and please be patient with me. It's gonna be a rough ride....

Grey

For the second time here, I shall be posting someone else's words...

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Grey

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream.
but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem.

you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv.
you penetrate me,
and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.

and what can i say but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me,
and what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally?

regretfully, i guess i've got three simple things to say.
why me? why this now? why this way?
overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey,
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey.

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.
maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Winter's a comin'

The trees outside are almost parallel to the ground below them. The wind is ripping the leaves off and throwing them down to my feet. My hair is dancing around my head. My scarf is wrapped tightly around my neck.

I have the leftover taste of medicine in my mouth. It's my little toast to the upcoming season. *cough*cough*

Snow's falling around the world. Only rain here for now though. A few more degrees lost and we'll soon have ice.

I've been lost. Trying to retrace my steps through puddles that weren't there before. Do I trust my sense of direction?

The night's going to be a long one. I hope the sun comes up soon. We need some warmth up in here.

Distance and the fonder heart

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I don't know if that's true.

Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

Sometimes distance makes the heart grow weary, sometimes it makes it grow curious, and sometimes it just makes it grow.

Distance of space and time is like a test; a test to see if your heart is truly unchanging.

There are times I curse distance, and others where I welcome it. Either way, it's an inevitably of life, and fighting it won't make things any easier.

So come distance, come time, come and stay a while. I'll make us some tea and see who can stick around the longest...

Saturday Post - No more cobwebs / A piece of you / Paris

Today's post is a little atypical, as I ordinarily post during the week. However, seeing how little I've posted this week, I've decided to write up a special Saturday edition.

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No More Cobwebs

Matters of the heart is a curiosity that has plagued men and women alike for centuries on end. Why do cheezy pop songs about love climb the charts? It seems because we all unfortunately know (and have felt) what the singers are talking and singing about... we relate to it.

Ah, the heart. What a funny place. What little control we have over it. Or is that really the case?

I once thought that I had no control of my heart. I thought my heart had settled on one person, and for almost 10 years that fact remained unchanged. But it was a heart in waiting, and I don't get the impression that hearts will wait around forever. Not if it's the only one waiting.

So I took a summer and decided to open my heart, and let in more than I had ever before. It was my summer of love. It began and ended in San Francisco, but it branched out to LA, Germany, Poland, and Paris. By the end, my heart had swelled, and as it emptied, I found myself feeling free; free of the cursed love I had carried around with me for so long. The only love I had left in me was a love for myself.

In the months that have followed, life has been challenging through my unemployment, family issues, and stress that has reached levels so high that my body is beginning to physically react... but I have never felt better. To have my heart back makes everything manageable.

There is someone in my life again now, and I find myself being apprehensive from time to time. I suppose I just want to make sure I know my balance point; I want to share my heart, but I don't want to give it away.

Time will tell how things progress, but I do know one thing. My heart was mine again, if even for only a short time, and that means that right now, for the first time in my life, I am beginning a relationship with someone and I don't have any old love in tow. And that knowledge -that feeling- is incredible.

It makes me feel like anything is possible.

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A Piece of You

There is something amazing about something that is handmade by a friend especially for you. It almost doesn't matter what it is that they've given you, so long as you know that they made it for you, you're going to love it. (Unless you don't love it, which happens sometimes..)

The question is though, why love it simply because they made it?

Well, making something takes time. Sometimes it takes days, or weeks. It takes forethought, planning, and effort. It takes time out of that person's life.

But that time doesn't disappear. It is captured within the finished product. It will forever reflect the person who made it in the eyes of its recipient. A handmade item for a friend is like a time capsule of your soul. So long as its around, you're around.

And that's what friends are for ;)


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Paris

Paris, Paris, Paris. I finally figured out why I like you so.

You treat me like an adult.

You allow me to make it my responsibility to watch out for the multitudes of scooters and Vélib riders who careen past the line of traffic-jammed cars as I cross the street. You test my patience on Sundays and Mondays by shutting everything down, but it forces me to just simply plan ahead. You keep the lights on at night so if I want to drink wine with my friends at the Seine until the first metro, we can; you know we'll be okay.

Paris, you let us learn lessons along the way of our mistakes. You trust that we have a head on our shoulders. You leave us alone to make our own decisions. And yet, your rain, your clouds, your fog, and your sunshine always remind us that you are the reason for all of this in the first place.

So big'ups to Paris. As far as cities go, you're like a mother to me.

possibly maybe

I met a man many years ago.

He befriended me, and I him.

We stayed in touch over the years, over the distance.

We saw each other again recently.

We had yet another wonderful time together.

I didn't want to say goodbye.

He said I didn't have to.

Now he lays here next to me.

And I couldn't be happier.

Letting the days slip by...

Summer is falling from the trees in shades of yellow and brown.

The winds are cooler. The sun is setting sooner. The warm sweaters are coming out to play.

I lay here and wonder if fall will pass as quickly as summer; a summer that now feels like a dream.

So much can change in a season.

Winter is upon us and I wonder what other surprises will tag along.

I'm looking forward to finding out...

Asleep at the wheel

It's Friday now. Again. It seems that no matter how many there are, it's impossible to tire of them.

I've done a poor job with getting to the computer lately. Rather, a poor job with keeping up with this blog. Life as of late has become almost surreal, and I spend my evenings laying in bed thinking about what I should write, and inevitably forgetting in the morning.

I lay there at night and I think about my day, the people I saw, the conversations I had, the pictures I took. I think about the moments and let them point me in the direction of what I should post about. Everything around me inspires me.

And then I close my eyes. And I fall asleep. And I dream dreams that are soon forgotten.

I trust myself enough to know that there will always be something to write about, always something to express. But how often do forgotten thoughts return?

Some of those late night thoughts have been good ones....

Back on track...

Okay then, that last week of postings was fun. Looking forward to seeing what this week has in store. So far, things look to be getting off to an interesting start as I lay in my bed and type this with one hand... (It has taken me far longer to write this much than it normally would...)

Seeing that brevity is key then, I shall make but one point.

This world is a crazy place. And I'm not talking about crazy people and the crazy things they do; I'm talking about the crazy things that happen beyond our control. I'm talking about chance encounters, bizarre coincidences, and serendipity.

Oh how the world keeps us on our toes.

Yeah... that's all for tonite. Sweet dreams everyone.

Sex: Part II

I had envisioned doing a whole week-long series on this topic, but the week is nearly over now, and I'm only on the second posting. Go me.

So, yeah, sex. Why had I felt the impulse to dedicate a week to it?

Probably because I think it's a lot more complicated of a topic than it seems. I mean, sex, we all know it, we've all had it, what is there really to say?

I suppose that it means something to me to write about it here because sex is a part of my life, alongside all of the other experiences I've had in life, and sex always qualifies as an experience!

Sometimes the experience is good, and it leaves one wanting more. Sometimes it's not, and so you move on. (Yes, it is very easy to move on from said situation.. hahaha...) Fundamentally, sex isn't ever really the issue though; it's usually the emotions that get tied in that complicate and get the better of people.

I'm not an advocate for emotionless sex though; that's absolutely no fun. By all means, bring on the roller-coaster ride of life and throw some sex and feelings into the mix. That's what makes a person come alive!

But if the emotions become possessive, untrusting, or aren't mutual, the physical relationship takes the toll. When it comes to success in relationships, the delicate balance of openness in communication and openness in bed is one that needs to be maintained.

Being with someone with whom you share a mutual trust and admiration, being touched by someone who cares for you and that you care for in return, being kissed by someone who enjoys kissing you and whom you happily kiss back, and having sex with someone and not ever wanting it to end, that's what good sex is all about, and perhaps the key to a healthy sexual relationship.

I wonder what I'll come up with next...

Sex: Part I

Sex, is, well, what can I say? Sex is sex is sex.

It's what we bring to it that creates a significance.

Sex can be fun, it can be passionate, it can be quick, and it can hurt. Not necessarily all together, or even in that order. Hahaha...

But yeah, sex can be many things, or nothing at all. Sometimes sex is just sex. Say hello to one night stands.

One Night Stands
Not a fan. Never was, never will be.

In an effort to not insult those of you who are fans, I'll treat this delicately.

It's no fun waking up next to a stranger, its no fun being touched by someone who doesn't know how to touch you, and its definitely no fun being treated like you are just a warm body to f*ck.

Especially when you're a hell of a lot more than that.

Jaded

Relationships are wonderful. Even when they suck, they're fucking great.

Why? Because of how much you can learn from them, about yourself, about others.

By all means, have as many relationships as possible! See how differently people can smile. Hear how differently they can laugh. Feel how differently they can kiss. Sense how differently they can love.

Keep in mind always that everyone's got their own M.O. From one person to the next, never expect the same thing twice. Some people hold hands while others link arms, some kiss the neck and others the back, and some like to hold while others prefer to fall asleep. And forget about discussing preferred positions... we're all definitely unique people.

Be weary though, as relationships create memories, and those memories can alter who you are and how you operate, especially if they weren't positive.

Don't be jaded by the letdowns of the past. Don't lose faith just because someone else did. If you discover within yourself abandoned hopes, forgotten dreams, and fear, then it's time to revisit who you really are. Push the memories aside.

Rekindle those old desires, get back on the road to your dreams, and fear nothing. Be you.

Doing this will keep you strong and open enough for any relationship, if you so choose to have one.

Don't ever let old memories get in the way of new ones.

The Human Condition - Chapter 10

There are no rules in life. Only the norms.

And breaking from them is bliss.

Unless, of course, you're a gun-toting trench coat wearing angry person, in which case, please don't break the norms and shoot people. It's not cool. You're ruining our day.

The fog

I was supposed to leave Paris. I was supposed to board a plane. I was supposed to go away. But the fog settled in and I wasn't going anywhere.

He said it was a sign. He said stay.

I asked if he'd have me if I stayed.

He said absolutely.

I didn't leave Paris. I didn't board my plane. I didn't go away.

Only the fog did.

The kiss

I watched a couple kiss in the train station today. They wouldn't let go of each other. The way their smiles crept up into the lines of their faces and down through their tight embrace, well, it made me cry. Not because it made me sad, but because it gave me hope.

Be careful what you wish for...

I am going to curtail my wishing.

I have learned my lesson.

I have wished for la folie in life. I have wished for someone to just fall for me as quickly as I might fall for them, letting us skip the 'getting to know you' time period, and just hitch ourselves and start life.

But alas, the world is a cruel jokester and sent me that man, and he wasn't what I was expecting. Nor was he what I wanted.

He found me on a corner in the middle of the night, waiting patiently for a taxi. After an invitation to a party which I declined, he offered to ride with me in the taxi that would eventually take me home. I said no. But he came anyway.

The entire ride he asked me about myself, and wondered if I found him crazy. I did.

We reached my home, I thanked him for the conversation, and tried to go inside. He stood outside my door, begging me to see that we were meant to be together. I couldn't.

I finally closed the door behind me, went up to my apartment, opened the window, and there he was, standing on the street below, looking up at me. For the next 45 minutes, he called up to me, begging me to run away with him. He kept saying, "Really? Really? You don't feel the same way as I do? Really?"

Really.

So be careful what you wish for my friends. I am afraid that I lost my chance at la folie since I turned that man away. I hope that's not the case, but I sincerely doubt that I'll ever meet another human being who believes in this idea as strongly as he does.

As strongly as I do.

Rule of Thumb

Always carry an airplane blanket, a napkin, or a band-aid.

You never know when you're going to need a nap, blow your nose, or cover up the blister that those hot new shoes just gave you.

The One

My friends, we've got it all wrong.

There is no 'one' in life. There is no quest to find that one perfect match.

Instead there is the 'one' who is here and now, and capable of making us feel like it's all we need.

That 'one' is the person we want to stand next to and with whom we'd like to lay in bed. That 'one' is someone whose face would make every morning wonderful, and every photo frame-worthy.

That 'one' makes each day better, and keeps you looking forward to tomorrow.

Sometimes that 'one' goes away. But there's always another 'one' to come along. There are so many 'ones' in life... so many people with whom we can share ourselves...

So enough of soulmates. That's just too depressing of a notion, and this world is too big to try to cover it all in such a search.

It's simply about the 'one' who is here and now. The 'one' who has just crossed your path. The 'one' who makes you happy.

The 'one' of many...

From New York to Geneva

A beautiful man told me recently that he's fallen in love. It took him two heartbeats before deciding he'd marry her.

Thank you my friend for bringing the romantic in me back to life, in full force.

She was a little dusty, rusty in some parts, but she's in one piece.

I had forgotten though how insistent she can be in her wishes. I had forgotten how incessantly she seeks that romance of life; the romance of the here and now, of the moment.

She's been so quiet for so long, letting me lead the way with my logic, never warning me of her imminent return.

Her homecoming is welcomed, this is true. She might try to make up for lost time though, and I'm not quite sure what that's going to mean just yet.

She's back though. So all I can do is warn the people around me: Beware, I might end up loving you for the craziest of reasons.

Forgive me.. it's just that damn inner romantic in me... she likes to love.

(And it feels good.)

The Human Condition - Chapter 9

What is this world?

How has it come to be that women and men are still blind to each other's desires? Do we not all want the same things in life? Are we not all human?

And what of these 'social norms'?

How can a man's love at first sight be romantic when a woman's is simply labeled loneliness? How can a man's pursuit of her be admirable while a woman's would be seen as desperation? Why is a man allowed to get away with doing things that a woman would be scorned for?

What is this world?

Why can't the emotional creatures in it be emotional? Why can't we ever let nature take its course?

How have we become so convoluted in our efforts?

What happened to life's simplicity? Where have the simple exchanges of a glance gone? Where has the excitement of discovery and risk gone? Why must people always try to know, instead of just trust?

Where is the "It was nice to meet you, let's elope..."?

Where is la folie?

It's official, I'm putting myself on the table; I want the craziness of life and I want the world to know. I'm not afraid of first encounters, and I'm not afraid to reach out for what I want. I'm not worried about how people shall view me, because I'm worried about who I might not be if I cared. I'm not scared to share my feelings, and I'm not concerned about scaring someone away. I just have to make sure that my inside matches my outside; so long as I can trust in me to do that, then I know I'm in good hands.

Welcome to my world.
Hope you stay for a while....

time travel is a b*tch

As much as I love to travel, I find it hard to balance any kind of ongoing schedule with what I'm up to wherever I am.

People should just get "I'm stepping out for a while" passes in life, where they have the green light to leave everything behind and just go off worry free... Colleagues, professors, friends and family would get the "I've stepped out for a while" auto-responses from emails, and message machines that would say the same, and they'd just say to themselves, "Ah, s/he stepped out for a while.. All good.. I'll just wait till s/he gets back.."

Ah, wouldn't that be the life....

The Human Condition - Chapter 8

La Folie.

It's for real.

La folie of life, la folie of love.

It's out there.

It takes the eyes of a romantic to see it. It takes the heart of a lover to feel it. It takes the strength of determination and courage to harbour it. And it takes to two people to live it.

Fear has no home in la folie; it all must be thrown to the wind.

It is about trust: trust in life and trust in love.

Trust in la folie.

(Sometimes I don't want to, but sometimes I just can't help myself...)

Most of the Time

I wish the following words were mine, but alas they are not. They do however resonate with me, somewhere, somehow, and I'd like to share them here, today, with you.

Most of the Time
Most of the time I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path, I can read the signs
I can stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever I stumble upon
I don't even notice that he's gone
Most of the time

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up, I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about him
Most of the time

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what his lips felt like on mine
Most of the time

Most of the time he ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know him if I saw him, he's that far behind
Most of the time I can't even be sure
If he was ever with me or if I was ever with him
Most of the time

Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it all went
I don't cheat on myself, I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that I buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see him again
Most of the time

I'm on the menu!

So apparently I come in three flavors: coconut, guava and raspberry.

The choice is yours ;)

Lost in Translation

Life has a wonderful way of making one laugh.
It's its way of keeping your spirits high and laugh lines intact.

And humor can be found around very corner.

When I was in Korea, I often had to think twice about what was being said to me, as accents and pronunciation regularly got in the way. Not that I minded though, as each conversation always made me smile.

When I would ask my host-mother what we were having for dinner, she'd tell me "lice."

When my host-brother needed help, he'd ask me for a "faber."

And when my assistant teacher told me that first period was canceled, she said that the reason was "crass erections."

Oh Korea, you're so good...

Gone are the days

Gone are lazy Sundays and midweek hump days.
Gone is early to bed early to rise.
Gone are Monday mornings.
This is the life of the job hunt, and everyday is like the previous one: jobless.

There aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month anymore.
Days run into each other. Nights keep ending too soon.
Fingers perpetually crossed.
Hoping someone will like me, based on a single sheet of paper.

My palm reads that there are two roads in my life.
They branch apart between my pinky and my thumb.
Could this be that crossroad?
Am I supposed to take a different road?

Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.
Maybe I'm turning to the wrong sources.
Maybe I shouldn't be searching outwards;
Maybe I should be looking in.

I am an artist with skills I was born with.
I have a personality that works across borders.
I travel like it's going out of fashion.
I think maybe it's time to work for me.

So out I will let me wander.
I will walk the walk of photographer, graphic designer, writer, and teacher.
For fun I shall make coffee and posters.
In the evenings I shall retire to my crossword puzzles,
and in the mornings ride my bicycle.

Balance is what I seek.

There is no balance in the job hunt.
Only this stress that keeps me going day by day...
I search for a job, nay.
I search for release.

Yesterday's Silence

I didn't post last night. Instead, it was an evening of silence, as a friend of mine said goodbye to his mother for the last time.

My heart goes out to him, as he is alone in the world now. Only his friends are his family.

Take a moment today and reach out to the ones you love, friends or family. Even just to say hi; being able to do that is a gift we so often take for granted.

Life is short. Even when it's long. It'll always be too short...

To be heard

I watched a captivating video this evening on YouTube. It was a clip from a recent Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, where he discussed the current political climate here in America. He made some points that I couldn't have agreed with more, and would like to further comment on them. (For those of you unfamiliar with Craig Ferguson, he is a Scottish TV talk-show host, and was also an actor in the wonderful movie Saving Grace.)

It is appalling and insulting, the way that the media here manipulates the American public. (Shame on the networks for playing such dangerous mind games.)

News should be based on facts, not agendas. (Perspective is one thing, lies are another.)

Even the whole campaign of "Rock the Vote", to motivate the youth to be more active and engaged, makes one realize how truly backwards we have gone; here we are, trying to convince people to partake of the very tenet that makes America what it is - THE RIGHT TO VOTE.

So those of you who read this, please make sure you're registered to vote where you live, so that on November 4, 2008, you can fulfill your duty as a citizen and vote for America's next president, whomever you so choose....

(Go Obama!)


ps - If you're interested in watching the video, here's the url:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRVQ4xwwmQ

Now or Never

There's a time in life to reach out and grab what you want, and a time to let it pass by. Keep in mind though that desire doesn't always sit well on a shelf, so don't put it there thinking you'll return to it someday; you can't guarantee yourself that your tastes will remain unchanged.

Some things are simply now or never.

C'est la vie.

Fatherly advice

Tonight, over a excellent bottle of wine, my father said something to me.

He told me that love was like a virus. You either have it or you don't. And like an infection to the brain, it makes you do crazy things.

I had no idea that my father and I agreed on anything...

When it rains, it pours...

When it rains, it pours; and today the sky is black with clouds and the rain is pounding its way down.

In the past 48 hours, my life has gone from the life that I know to a new territory I'm terribly unfamiliar with. My family is falling apart, my education and vast professional experience can't get me the jobs I want, and my body has stopped communicating with me. I cannot remember the last time I felt so ineffective, incapable, and inadequate.

These emotions manifest themselves into pain. I am fighting off my desire to cry, because history proves that it won't do me any good to let my tears fall. I'll let the storm outside do that for me.

But when this storm passes, and the sun comes out to shine, where does that leave me?

It leaves me with a better light to see.

I can only reason that these events in my life (or lack thereof) have left me so down because I approached them with great hopes. How else can can a person fall to the floor, unless they were looking up.

My family is one that is founded upon secrecy, borne of lack of trust, communication, and respect. I had always hoped that this would change; always believing that maybe, just maybe, if I changed, they would too; as if leading by example could make a difference. Someday I will learn that some people just don't change; or more specifically, perhaps I'm just not that person who could have such an influence.

The jobs I've reached out to are all ones that I am fully qualified for, and every resume I send I am hopeful that this is the one that'll take me. But they don't. Does this mean that my life of travel, my good education, and my work experience amounts to nothing? My bank account suggests it's so. Perhaps I am not the qualified person I thought I was. Perhaps I have just been aiming too high.

My body has never been dependable. My sleeping habits change from week to week, my skin has a life of its own, and never have I been able to predict my next period. For the first time in my life however, everything changed this past summer, and my body fell into a rhythm that I welcomed wholeheartedly. But now it's back to the way it was. I am staying up far later than I have in months, my skin is a daily challenge, and who knows the next time I'll need to use my female supplies. Perhaps I believed too strongly that things were finally falling into a place that I needed and wanted them to be.

My hope in my approaches to these things comes from my undying optimism. To lose this hope would be to admit defeat. Why must life test us so? Why does my optimism come under such attack?

Unfortunately for life, I am a fighter. I will not let these things get the better of me.

If my family cannot resolve their issues, I am still me.
If the job of my dreams will not hire me, I am still me.
If my body wants to do its own thing, I am still me.

I will be me no matter what people think, say, or do. That is my strength in life. No matter how hard this rain falls, no matter how hard the thunder clashes, no matter how blinding the lightening may be, I am me, and I always carry an umbrella.

A moment to myself

I am the stomach of life; I take it all in and digest it slowly, in an effort to get rid of the crap.

I used to be life's heart, but the pace was too regular and unforgiving. I was once life's brain, but the logic wasn't clear enough to see. I tried to be life's legs, but they couldn't support the weight I carried; so too befell the fate of the arms. I wanted to be life's face, but too few people were willing to welcome the unfamiliar. I thought I could be life's feet, but my path was too unique to find the direction. I couldn't be life's hands, because I let go just as much as I hold on. I experimented as life's smile, but no stranger cared to return it. It was only in life's kiss that I found a temporary spot for myself, but then I had to move on; I realized its dangers just before it was too late...

Life is an organism that is complex by nature, but can easily be dissected into comprehensible parts.

So tell me... which part of it are you?

Monday Eve

Another weekend, come and gone... and time, it just keeps on moving by.

It moves along with the tick of a clock, and the currents of a river...
It moves along with a bird's flapping wings, and the setting sun...
It moves along with each new strand of grey hair growing on my head.

Ah, time...
I like you.

The Human Condition - Chapter 7

I sat on a bench once in Frankfurt. For a long time. It was in a park. I thought a lot during those hours that I sat there and watched the people come and go around me. And then I began to write...

* I am embarrassed to sit here and feel afraid, nay, unsafe. I couldn't be in a safer or more relaxed environment. Men across the street fix shingles on the roof as bike riders pedal down the street between us. Women jog along nearby paths and stop near me to stretch. Two children play on the twirly-ride to my right and mothers push baby carriages to my left. The birds are chirping and the clouds protect me from July's harsh sun. It is silly to think that I cannot close my eyes to rest - peacefully.

* My words are like a camera, casting a certain light on my memories; flattening real life onto a black and white canvas. Sometimes I fear that something might be left out, creating an incomplete picture, my framing is off; parts of a memory lost forever. But does it do justice to leave these memories alone, locked away? Can I trust my mind to to leave these precious memories intact, untouched, perfectly preserved until I fetch them again? ...Experience tells me no.

* I am a fortunate human being. I must never forget that. Some days feel less fortunate than others, but I must never lose sight of the truth.

* I am happy and thankful that I have arrived in time for playtime. This park will feel empty when everybody leaves.

* It is beautiful to watch children play. Their world is one I have forgotten. To bear witness to their collaboration, laughter, and imagination is like peeking through an open window, left open for me, by them.

* Why did I have to come to Germany to see a red squirrel? Or to find new toys on a playground? Therein lies the reward of travel, and why I incessantly wander from place to place. Just as I begin to think I've seen it all, I find that I am truly mistaken.

After writing these words on the only small piece of paper that I had on my person, I got up from the bench and crossed a field. I took a blanket from my bag and laid it out. I crawled onto it and fell asleep.

... I had sweet dreams of sitting alone in a park in Frankfurt...

Was once a young girl...

Of all of the people you know, who should know you best?

Should it be your family? Friends? Your companion in life? Or strangers with whom you've only shared a moment?

Who?

And what is knowing someone best? Is it being aware of their past, and all of their mistakes, or perhaps only knowing them now and what they've become? Is it the two combined?

But what if your past is so vastly different than your present?

And what if you needed that past to get to this point?

My heart is too heavy with these questions.

The Human Condition - Chapter 6

"In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes."

Benjamin Franklin had it right... almost.

He forgot one other important certainty: change.

I welcome change in my life for one reason: it is uncomfortable. (What, you didn't really expect me to say that change is soft and cuddly, did you?!?) ;)

Seriously though, that lack of comfort can lead you to new directions, to learn new things, and it will force you to change in many ways, but in time you will realize your strength from doing that (and in doing so you will find a new comfort zone). In overcoming the difficulties of change, you will see that change is advantageous, and soon you will grow to welcome every opportunity for it.

And believe you me, change happens in the strangest of ways sometimes, most of the time where you want it the least. But that cannot keep you from moving forward. And don't shy away from it; that's the recipe for staying the same.

Now, I'm not trying to suggest that you're in need of a changin', cause I love you all just the way you are, but what I am saying is that stagnation is no fun; as the world grows around you, so to must you grow with it, and true change is nothing short of growth.

So if your job wants you to relocate, or if your loved one doesn't love you any more, or even if simply your favorite cafe just closed, just relish in the fact that change is upon you again, and accept it. Go ahead, do a little dance. (Who knows.. that new location might lead you to meet that person of your dreams in your new favorite cafe... life could be worse.) ;)

The Human Condition - Chapter 5

We've all been there: we walk into a situation expecting one thing, and walk out knowing another. Usually that walking out is coupled with a strong desire to be sick. So, what happened?

Well, I imagine that two things happened.

First, the expectation happened. There's nothing more dangerous than thinking that you know what is about to happen (especially if it involves someone else). For your own piece of mind, always try and remember that you cannot script the future.

Secondly, and this is the more evasive aspect, is the knowledge. Sometimes you're lucky enough to deal with a person who knows how to be honest, and it's just simply the harsh smack of reality that is getting to you.

But what if you've been told what you wanted to hear, but something's still not sitting well? Well then my friend, at this point you're dealing with your gut, your instincts, and that will speak louder to you than any human could ever dream to.

There is a reason that we, as animals, are born with our instincts. Yes, initially they're there to help us drink, and grab, and walk. But what of these instincts once we've grown? Wild or domesticated, animals never seem to let their instincts fall by the wayside, so why should we? How have we?

We humans are like our animal brothers and sisters in that we're born with this basic set of survival instincts, but we are also set apart from said animals in a variety of ways, and I think that the most compelling one is the one that breaks from our instincts: our ability to question. And a direct result of that questioning has led to religion, and a sense of who we are and why we're here.

So in answering those questions, and making our way day in and day out, how can we not hold a candle to those moments where we know something is wrong, but can't exactly explain why. That right there would be the evolution of our instincts; our innate ability to sense those things that might not be immediately apparent, and sense whether they're good for us or not.

Saying that then, it's not even really about evolution, is it? It's about the thousands of years that we have been on this planet and have had to survive, and the relationship of survival to contentment with one's own life.

I believe that survival and contentment are intertwined. I see how the stress of sadness affects people, from the way it affects their body to the way it affects their decisions; and it's not healthy. In fact, it's a downright killer.

So we cannot fool ourselves into believing that gut feelings should hold no value. They hold the most value. Your gut only speaks what you already know, but your brain somewhere is not delivering the message. And all of the questions and answers in the world can never replace what you truly feel.

Survival of the fittest is still alive and well, but it has manifested itself into something different in this day and age; now it is survival of the smartest. The smartest being those who understand how to live life, and when to know what will be good for oneself and what won't be.

So listen to yourselves. Listen to your heart. Listen to your brain. And most importantly, listen to that little voice inside of you; it really only has you in its best interest. It always has, and will always continue to do so.

Yep, I'm voting for Obama

This weekend was a good one. It began with watching Obama's speech from last Thursday night at the Democratic National Convention. I must say, it was a moving and inspiring speech; if you haven't yet watched it, stop reading this and go watch it. Trust me, you won't hate me for it.

I don't have much to say but this: Barack Obama has my vote.

In an effort to keep things brief and not get too political here, I just want to say that the only reason I mention it is because his speech has been on my mind all weekend since I watched it. And it has filled me with hope. It's a hope for America that I must admit I've never felt before.

And it feels good.

I hope America elects Obama by a landslide.... I know I'll be voting.

Now, if only Bush could manage to not piss off the Russians too badly during his last months in office... we don't need another war on our hands. Everyone, get ready to celebrate his last day in office... and the hopeful inauguartion of a much better man for the job.

And oh yeah, happy first day of September. ;)

Waiting for Godot

Dear Destiny,

I just wanted to drop you a note, to let you to know that I'm not turning my back on you, but the time has come for me to take matters in my life into my own hands. I do not care to wait and see what you have next in store for me; I'd like to be a bit more in control than that.

Besides, I don't even know if you're real. You're kinda like God; all powerful with absolutely no proof of existence. I can't have such a thing influence my decisions so.

I think the idea of you is wonderful, and it's helped me through much in the past, but today is about the future, and that future is important to me.

So feel free to make your presence felt whenever you have a spare moment, and in the meantime, I'll be doing my thing.

I wish you well, and perhaps our paths will cross again someday. Until then, you take good care.

All my best.

Kindest regards,
The Lover

Okay ladies, listen up

So I'm going to break something down here, and it's from experience, so listen closely. I don't want to spend more time on this than is necessary.

I'm sick of it, you're sick of it, we're all sick of it, asking the same old question: Why doesn't he call me?

Now listen closely ...... It's because he's just not that into you. (!!)

If you catch a man's attention, you'll know. If he wants to speak to you, he will. And if he wants your number, he'll get it. When you tickle a man's fancy, there's very little he won't do to see you again.

Enough with asking yourself what more you can do; you're wasting your time, energy, and self-respect. And I say that with love.

Haven't you ever been pursued by someone you didn't want to be pursued by? Has repetitive phone calls and emails ever changed that?

So why would you think that things don't affect them the same way?

When I first started dating my last boyfriend, it was a few months after we had met at a party of his (which my sister brought me to). I had gotten his email address, as I was collecting them from almost everyone, because I was three days away from leaving NYC to move to Seoul, and I wanted to stay in touch with the people whom I had just met. After sending my first couple mass emails upon arrival to South Korea, I removed people from the list who weren't responding. He was one of them.

Six months later, I was back in NYC and hanging out with my sister when we saw him again. The three of us went out for dinner, and as we walked back to her car he told me that his email address no longer worked. I took that as: you won't be able to reach me via email. And I was right to read it this way, because that is how he meant it.

I was only in NYC for three weeks (because I was due to head off to Madrid) and so one day, when I was bored early in that stay, I looked through my phone book and saw that he had given me his number alongside his email address six months prior. I figured that it would be fun to grab a drink, so I gave him a call. When he answered, he was laying in his bed watching tv. When he realized that it was me calling, he sat up, cleared his throat, and it was as if it was a different person speaking all of a sudden. It was really quite funny.

He told me that he'd be at a restaurant/bar not far from where I was staying, so we made plans to meet up. I brought a girlfriend along and made our way over when it was time.

We didn't see him when we arrived, so we got a table and proceeded to look through the menu. Not two minutes into it, a chair was pulled up to a side of our square table and he plopped down into it. He let us know that he was up at the bar with his friends and offered to get us a drink. We said yes, he got them, and proceeded to sit with us as we ate, leaving his friends up at the bar.

As we sat there and chatted as we ate, I kept catching his glances at me. I wasn't yet sure about how I felt about him though, so I just kept eating and talking, trying to pretend like I didn't notice. Next thing I knew though, he reached down underneath the table and pulled my chair in closer to his. Well, at least at this point I knew how he was feeling about me. But whatever, guys are guys are guys, and I was still not in the mood for this kind of advance.

We eventually finished our meal and joined him and his friends at the bar. We all drank, and talked, and laughed, and the night was off to a great start. Eventually though, like all great women do, I had to pee. So I got up and walked down the hall towards the bathrooms. As I approached them, he came out of one, and without a moment's notice, he grabbed me and kissed me right there, next to the toilet stalls and umbrellas.

Skipping now to the end of the night (and no, I'm not skipping any juicy details), we all left the restaurant and stood on its porch to figure out where to go next. I sat down to smoke a cigarette, and he sat down right next to me, offering his warmth in the winter's chill.

We ended up heading back to the apartment where my friend and I were staying, and once again, as we were all inside drinking away and laughing at each other's stories, he found me in the hallway and once again, grabbed me tight and kissed me.

But none of that was how he got me.

He got me because several days later I was studying for a Spanish test that I was taking that evening, and I had studied all day and hadn't eaten; I was at his apartment hanging out (and studying) and as I was running out the door to take the test he ran after me, with a sandwich, saying that he knew I'd be hungry soon...

So what I have to say is this: just like you are willing to go that extra mile for the man of your liking, so too will a man.

So forget about the great sex that you two might have had. (I know, it's hard.) But just as guys are guys are guys, sex is sex is sex. Get your rocks off, have some fun, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because you had him in bed that he belongs in your heart.

Besides, it's important to get to know someone before you can consider them in that way (and vice-versa; he needs to get to know you!). And sure, we can read into things and see that he might be a good person, with a good sense of humor (and greaaat in bed) but let's stop reading in so deep. How about we just deal with men the way they are, one by one, instead of dealing with how we'd like them to be.

I promise, it's a lot easier that way.

And by all means, be as honest as you like when you're face to face, but beware of hidden expectations and reciprocations. Trust me, it's no fun admitting to a guy that you like him and not hear the same thing back.

So having said that, I hope that I haven't offended the shy or busy people out there who might now hate me for saying these things. But this is how I see it. If a man isn't making an effort to be in touch, then he's just not that into you. And that's ok. That means you don't spend your time wondering and waiting, or worse: sending emails and leaving messages that will never be returned. (I'd like to see a show of hands of people who wish there was a 'make that email disappear from his inbox' button.)

So, be smart, have fun, and don't let the man get you down.

Happy Wednesday. ;)

An Unidentifiable Shadow

I'm out on the porch again, and a strange shadow caught my eye.

It was round, and floated side to side; it was no bird or bee.

I looked up, and lo and behold, it was the beautiful white Forrest Gump feather floating down to me from above.

It danced around in the breeze, seemingly headed straight for me, and just when it was within arm's reach, a gust lifted it back up and off, and into the woods.

So, what, should I be thinking that life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get?

Yeah, I can groove with that. Because it's true. Just because Forrest Gump said it, that doesn't mean that I can't agree.

And on that note, I leave you with another memorable quote:

Jenny Curran: Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?
Forrest Gump: Who I'm gonna be?
Jenny Curran: Yeah.
Forrest Gump: Aren't-aren't I going to be me?

The Human Condition - Chapter 4

I'm afraid that this world is suffering from the same delusion.

This idea that love just happens.

I cannot help but hope that once someone sets themselves to such a path they discover that love is not just one simple emotion. It is an amalgamation. It is a journey, whether it is within yourself or with another.

To me, it is equal to saying: I've walked with you, I've spoken to you, I can see and feel you, I trust you.

It is a journey that begins with a certain admiration and honesty. From it grows respect. A little kindness further allows for comfort and security. Add some humor and you'll grow old with laughlines and smiles.

Love doesn't just happen.

It becomes.

When life gives you lemons, make origami

We're living in a time where the minimal just doesn't cut it anymore. It's not enough anymore to just get your Bachelor's degree; to get your dream job you need your Masters. It's not enough to speak two languages; a third is preferred. And forget just winning the gold; these days want to see you set world records.

That extra mile is what sets us apart and moves us forward nowadays. That extra effort, that extra push, that extra moment. That is where you'll shine.

And that's after making lemonade.

;)

Writer's block is a b*tch

I wonder how long I'll stare at this blank screen until something comes to me.

This right here would be the curse of being a writer; sometimes you're just not sure of what you want to say.

But you don't need to be a writer to have this happen to you... I imagine that it happens to everyone.

And the problem isn't so much that there is a lack of something to say. Rather, I feel like my mind is flooded with inspiration, and I'm just not sure of what to go with.

It's true; it's late, and I'm tired.

Hahaha.. that wouldn't be the first time I used that excuse.

So forgive me all for using it here on you, but alas, I think it's time to wish you a good night as my eyelids slowly fall lower than they should whilst sitting in this upright position.

So sweet dreams all of you.

I'll be back...

Life's Continuum

To lose a loved one is to experience the most intense of emotions. Grief.

Of all of the emotions in the world, I feel that this must be the hardest to cope with.

How is someone supposed to wade their way through the deepest of sorrow?

Especially if they have to do it alone.

My mother lost both of her parents when she was seventeen. Her closest friend lost her daughter at the age of eight. My cousin lost her mother in high school.

I know nothing of the strength that has brought them through to today. But I revere them for it, knowing nothing... nothing of their struggle.

I find it hard to find the words that I want to say right now.

I suppose I can only start by telling them that I love them. I love them for their strength, I love them for their perseverance, I love them for allowing tomorrow to come.

My mother told me tonight that life is on a continuum, and that to harbor sadness and regret is to stifle your progress. I know that these were words of wisdom. And so I share these words with you.

Live your life, everyday, and make sure you let the people who matter to you know they matter to you. Take care of yourself, and make sure that no one disrespects or takes for granted your being on this earth. And last, but never never least, love thyself, and be strong. Because life is not intended to be a walk in the park. It is full of situations that you have absolutely no control over, and you must be prepared mentally and emotionally for whatever comes your way.

Before you go to sleep tonight, let someone you care about know. If you're next to them, give them a hug. And don't let the past get in the way of the future... life is too short, and so very precious, for that...

And so I go to sleep tonight, thinking of you, my friends, my family. I send you all my love and know that you are all in my hearts, every single last one of you.

*hug*

This is a shout out

to you who climbs mountains,
and to you who swims the deep blue sea;
to you who has a child, and to you who stands alone;
to you who works hard, and to you who relaxes restfully.

to you who sings with your beautiful voice,
and to you who dances on feet that float;
to you who has struggled, and to you who has succeeded;
to you who writes, to you who paints,
and to you who films the world around you.

to you who smiles, to you who cries, and to you who forever dreams;
to you who speaks many languages,
and to you who speaks to the deaf;
to you who serves the best coffee, to you who pours the best beer,
and to you who created the serbian iced tea.

to you who designs the most beautiful of dresses,
and to you who wears clothes so well;
to you who jumps from planes,
and to you whose feet have never left the ground;
to you who helps to educate the children in this world,
and to you who entertains them.

to you who has married, to you who is soon to be,
and to you who left him at the altar;
to you rides bikes, to you who rides waves,
and to you who sits in your jacuzzi;
to you who stands up for others,
and to you who has had others stand up for you.

to you who strums your guitar, to you who bangs on your drums,
and to you who plays the sax;
to you who plants gardens, and to you who makes me laugh;
to you who helps friends, and to you who will always be honest,
no matter how much it hurts.

to all of you who inspire me so.
you have touched my heart and influenced my ways.
i thank you all for being who you are.

this is a shout out to my friends.

The Human Condition - Chapter 3

It's been three days now that I sit on the porch of my parent's home and write these posts for this blog. I spend hours out here, sitting in the shade of the trees that tower overhead, listening to the sounds of the crickets, birds, dogs barking in the distance, and chipmunks; yes, chipmunks can compete in nature's cacophony.

I watch ants cross this wooden desert landscape, I let bees rest upon my toes, and the breeze comes and goes, running its fingers through my hair.

There is a scene I witness everyday. There is a branch that hangs low over the far end of this porch, and it spreads itself wide with branches and leaves. Within those leaves there are two bees that come to it for reasons I do not understand. Everyday these two bees fly from leaf to leaf, but there is one who always leads the other.

When the second bee gets to the first, it lands on it, pulling it off of the leaf, and then the two fall to the ground.

And then they fly back up, and start the whole dance again.

Over and over I hear the almost inaudible *plunk* as they land on the wooden boards below.

Why do they do this?

Is this some sort of mating ritual? Is it a show of force; an alpha situation of sorts? Or maybe they're just playing... do bees play?

Whatever it is, it keeps my attention. I like to think that that first bee is me, and the second bee represents all the things in life that try to pull me off course. Every time I see them fall, I root for the first bee to fly back up and continue what it was doing.

I'm about to get a set of pompoms and write a cheer.

I've never been much of a cheerleader.

But hey, better late than never.

Always, better late, than never.

Someone please, come here now!

The sky is red and purple and orange and full of light, and I'm in complete awe of this spectacular sight... this gorgeous gorgeous sunset...

Would someone please join me, and look up into the sky with me, just to agree that yes, this is beautiful....

Truly a night to remember....

(and my camera is doing it no justice....)

The Human Condition - Chapter 2

Chapter 2. How daunting.

I've never gotten this far.

But here I am, and looking back to how I got here makes me feel good. Good about life. Good about the past. Good about me.

I look back to past writings and it's like they're a map of a labyrinth. So much confusion, not sure of where to turn, which step to take; never realizing that the strength and conviction that I needed had been in me all along.

As if not knowing and trusting myself had just simply become a habit.

Long ago, I once wrote: I feel like I’m running a race in quicksand against my shadow. And my shadow’s winning.

As if that shadow wasn't a part of me.

But it is.

It grows and shrinks, appears and then disappears, just like my fleeting thoughts, fears, worries, and apprehensions. And just like the sun has a power over me to make that shadow come and go, so too do I have that power over those mental obstacles in my life.

What are obstacles other than opportunities to prove to yourself that you can do something above and beyond what you thought possible? What a fucking gift!

In the face of hurdles, I say jump. In the face of drawbacks, I say pull. In the face of stumbling blocks, I say get up. And in the face of a broken heart, I say keep on loving.

Keep on, keep on... keep on.

The Human Condition - Chapter 1

It rains a lot in New York these days. Rain instead of snow. Rain instead of sunshine. Rain instead of drizzle. It rains more than it did when I was a little girl growing up these streets. So an umbrella has taken a permanent spot in my bag, alongside my keys and a notebook.

It had been yet another spirit-crushing day at work in the financial district. I worked alongside cokeheads who were earning their living through scamming hard-working individuals out of their hard-earned money; I believe you call them businessmen. And it was always business with them, from phone call to phone call, empty promises, and a gong to chime for every deal made. They told me I’d be a rock star because my voice was seductive, and who wouldn’t give seventeen thousand dollars for an inside cover spot if I was asking?

I never made a deal though. I couldn’t. But they didn’t fire me. They wouldn’t fire me. They believed in me so. They fired people around me everyday for not pulling in the contracts, but never said anything to me, except that I’d be a rock star.

Three months went by like this. Monday through Friday, phone call after phone call, no thank you after no thank you, and all I ever did was thank people for their time. Mondays at the office were rallydays with announcements of who made the biggest deals of the previous week, with bottles of champagne to congratulate them. Wednesdays were snack days where the boss would treat us to muffins and doughnuts for breakfast. Fridays ended a little early so that the mandatory team-building beer-drinking could commence at the nearest bar before the crowds set in. And let’s not leave out the scheduled smoke breaks in between it all.

They had me believe that I was special, and that I was going to be successful. But at what price?

It was a price that I was not willing to pay.

It was raining, and I left work with the feeling that I might never return. There was no face I ever wanted to see again; there was no voice that I would miss. Only a paycheck.

I stood in the rain and waited for my bus to come, but it never did. Other buses came, but never the one I needed. It was only a matter of time, and wet feet, before I loaded the next bus that came my way. I rode it north along Pearl Street, and then east along East Broadway, and then north again along Allen Street, where I decided to get off, because my apartment was not far from there.

I turned a corner and found a little umbrella-less girl standing in a doorway, almost blocked by the scaffolding that lined the sidewalk. I walked past her, hardly noticing her at first, my umbrella held tight to my head so that the raindrops couldn’t dampen my hair. But then I stopped walking, not ten paces from where she stood.

I turned around and approached her, asking if she was waiting for it to stop raining. She nodded her head yes. I started to walk again. I walked several steps. But again, I stopped. Without thought, I returned to her and handed her my umbrella, and told her that it wasn’t going to stop raining anytime soon. I told her that she could go home now.

I watched from beneath the scaffolding as she darted out into the rain and crossed the street just ahead of the traffic. She couldn’t have been older than nine or ten. I wondered if she’d tell her mom that she had gotten the umbrella from a stranger.

I wrapped my black shawl around my head and headed home. I no longer avoided the puddles. I no longer sought brief refuge under the awnings. At this point I was wet, and there was nothing to do but accept it.

Eventually I made my way home and took a hot shower to wash away the cold rain that had seeped into my skin. I thought not about my long day, but about the little girl, and hoped that she herself was now home and warm too. I hoped that the umbrella was sitting in a corner, dripping itself dry, waiting to be used again.

The next morning I woke up in a state I still cannot explain. Only my actions could reveal this new me. Within moments of rising, my laptop was atop my lap, and I was writing an email to my boss:

Dear (boss),
For personal reasons, I can no longer come in to your office to work.

And then I hit send.

Two weeks later I received my last paycheck.

I don’t remember a single name of the people I spent three months of my life working alongside, and I don’t even remember what floor we were on, but I do remember that last day, and the look on the girl’s face when I handed her my umbrella.

It was all worth it.

The Greatest Lover of All Time

This is not a blog about men nor relationships, albeit I have had both, and many of which. And although it shall not the driving force of my writings, it is a great influence.

It is hard to love and be loved when you do not know which ground it is that your feet stand upon. This ever-shifting lack of knowledge and understanding of oneself can leave a person empty, even if they are surrounded with all of the necessary ingredients to be whole. I know this, and you should too.

Many men have crossed my path over the years. Some were able to keep me, some had to let go, most have been forgotten. All in all though, they left an imprint, somewhere, somehow, leaving me to figure out who this person is that I am today.

"Every soul takes on a part of that which it comes into contact with."

There has only been one, however, that is worth writing about. He was the greatest lover of all time.

Why?

Because he invades my dreams. My soul is telling me that I can't let go, even though my heart and my brain have already.

I met him when I didn't want to meet anyone. I have spent 12 years in long relationships with different men (4 years, 5 years, and 3 years, consecutively) and I am at a point in my life where I am the only person I care to tend to. But then I met him, and I fell harder and faster than I care to admit. And it shames me, because this is not who (and how) I want to be.

In my past I have made too many decisions influenced by the man (or men) in my life. I have ignored myself in the pursuit of love, er, rather, the pursuit of keeping that someone else happy, content, satisfied with me.

And so I have chosen to turn away.

He might be that perfect person for me, but I will never know. I will not walk that path again. I can not walk that path again.

Oh how I wish I had never met him, yet.

So here's to saying goodbye to a dream; a dream that has haunted me since the day we met, and will probably continue to do so. But it's okay.

Why?

Because I have learned one other important life lesson through my adventures... Time is a beautiful gift, and with it the truth will always reveal itself.

Whatever that truth may be.....

A Lover's Introduction

Hello there.
I am The Lover.

I am a woman who has surrendered her life to keeping her eyes and heart open to the many life-changing moments that this world has to offer, and there is much. And I love it all.

I have crossed oceans, hiked mountains, and swam in rivers that should have taken me away, but instead I was brought safely to shore.

Life has taught me that the larger the risk you take, the greater the reward, but beware; life is not always rewarding. Life is often disappointing, and heartbreaking. But it is all an uphill battle, and the more you let life know you're there, the more it shall respond.

And so I woke this morning, knowing that it was time to start sharing.

I shall share my desires and fears, my dreams and let-downs, my experiences and the lessons I have learned.

The greatest love in my life is me, and it took a long time to get here. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the reads. There's a lot that I have to say.