Waiting for Godot

Dear Destiny,

I just wanted to drop you a note, to let you to know that I'm not turning my back on you, but the time has come for me to take matters in my life into my own hands. I do not care to wait and see what you have next in store for me; I'd like to be a bit more in control than that.

Besides, I don't even know if you're real. You're kinda like God; all powerful with absolutely no proof of existence. I can't have such a thing influence my decisions so.

I think the idea of you is wonderful, and it's helped me through much in the past, but today is about the future, and that future is important to me.

So feel free to make your presence felt whenever you have a spare moment, and in the meantime, I'll be doing my thing.

I wish you well, and perhaps our paths will cross again someday. Until then, you take good care.

All my best.

Kindest regards,
The Lover

Okay ladies, listen up

So I'm going to break something down here, and it's from experience, so listen closely. I don't want to spend more time on this than is necessary.

I'm sick of it, you're sick of it, we're all sick of it, asking the same old question: Why doesn't he call me?

Now listen closely ...... It's because he's just not that into you. (!!)

If you catch a man's attention, you'll know. If he wants to speak to you, he will. And if he wants your number, he'll get it. When you tickle a man's fancy, there's very little he won't do to see you again.

Enough with asking yourself what more you can do; you're wasting your time, energy, and self-respect. And I say that with love.

Haven't you ever been pursued by someone you didn't want to be pursued by? Has repetitive phone calls and emails ever changed that?

So why would you think that things don't affect them the same way?

When I first started dating my last boyfriend, it was a few months after we had met at a party of his (which my sister brought me to). I had gotten his email address, as I was collecting them from almost everyone, because I was three days away from leaving NYC to move to Seoul, and I wanted to stay in touch with the people whom I had just met. After sending my first couple mass emails upon arrival to South Korea, I removed people from the list who weren't responding. He was one of them.

Six months later, I was back in NYC and hanging out with my sister when we saw him again. The three of us went out for dinner, and as we walked back to her car he told me that his email address no longer worked. I took that as: you won't be able to reach me via email. And I was right to read it this way, because that is how he meant it.

I was only in NYC for three weeks (because I was due to head off to Madrid) and so one day, when I was bored early in that stay, I looked through my phone book and saw that he had given me his number alongside his email address six months prior. I figured that it would be fun to grab a drink, so I gave him a call. When he answered, he was laying in his bed watching tv. When he realized that it was me calling, he sat up, cleared his throat, and it was as if it was a different person speaking all of a sudden. It was really quite funny.

He told me that he'd be at a restaurant/bar not far from where I was staying, so we made plans to meet up. I brought a girlfriend along and made our way over when it was time.

We didn't see him when we arrived, so we got a table and proceeded to look through the menu. Not two minutes into it, a chair was pulled up to a side of our square table and he plopped down into it. He let us know that he was up at the bar with his friends and offered to get us a drink. We said yes, he got them, and proceeded to sit with us as we ate, leaving his friends up at the bar.

As we sat there and chatted as we ate, I kept catching his glances at me. I wasn't yet sure about how I felt about him though, so I just kept eating and talking, trying to pretend like I didn't notice. Next thing I knew though, he reached down underneath the table and pulled my chair in closer to his. Well, at least at this point I knew how he was feeling about me. But whatever, guys are guys are guys, and I was still not in the mood for this kind of advance.

We eventually finished our meal and joined him and his friends at the bar. We all drank, and talked, and laughed, and the night was off to a great start. Eventually though, like all great women do, I had to pee. So I got up and walked down the hall towards the bathrooms. As I approached them, he came out of one, and without a moment's notice, he grabbed me and kissed me right there, next to the toilet stalls and umbrellas.

Skipping now to the end of the night (and no, I'm not skipping any juicy details), we all left the restaurant and stood on its porch to figure out where to go next. I sat down to smoke a cigarette, and he sat down right next to me, offering his warmth in the winter's chill.

We ended up heading back to the apartment where my friend and I were staying, and once again, as we were all inside drinking away and laughing at each other's stories, he found me in the hallway and once again, grabbed me tight and kissed me.

But none of that was how he got me.

He got me because several days later I was studying for a Spanish test that I was taking that evening, and I had studied all day and hadn't eaten; I was at his apartment hanging out (and studying) and as I was running out the door to take the test he ran after me, with a sandwich, saying that he knew I'd be hungry soon...

So what I have to say is this: just like you are willing to go that extra mile for the man of your liking, so too will a man.

So forget about the great sex that you two might have had. (I know, it's hard.) But just as guys are guys are guys, sex is sex is sex. Get your rocks off, have some fun, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because you had him in bed that he belongs in your heart.

Besides, it's important to get to know someone before you can consider them in that way (and vice-versa; he needs to get to know you!). And sure, we can read into things and see that he might be a good person, with a good sense of humor (and greaaat in bed) but let's stop reading in so deep. How about we just deal with men the way they are, one by one, instead of dealing with how we'd like them to be.

I promise, it's a lot easier that way.

And by all means, be as honest as you like when you're face to face, but beware of hidden expectations and reciprocations. Trust me, it's no fun admitting to a guy that you like him and not hear the same thing back.

So having said that, I hope that I haven't offended the shy or busy people out there who might now hate me for saying these things. But this is how I see it. If a man isn't making an effort to be in touch, then he's just not that into you. And that's ok. That means you don't spend your time wondering and waiting, or worse: sending emails and leaving messages that will never be returned. (I'd like to see a show of hands of people who wish there was a 'make that email disappear from his inbox' button.)

So, be smart, have fun, and don't let the man get you down.

Happy Wednesday. ;)

An Unidentifiable Shadow

I'm out on the porch again, and a strange shadow caught my eye.

It was round, and floated side to side; it was no bird or bee.

I looked up, and lo and behold, it was the beautiful white Forrest Gump feather floating down to me from above.

It danced around in the breeze, seemingly headed straight for me, and just when it was within arm's reach, a gust lifted it back up and off, and into the woods.

So, what, should I be thinking that life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get?

Yeah, I can groove with that. Because it's true. Just because Forrest Gump said it, that doesn't mean that I can't agree.

And on that note, I leave you with another memorable quote:

Jenny Curran: Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be?
Forrest Gump: Who I'm gonna be?
Jenny Curran: Yeah.
Forrest Gump: Aren't-aren't I going to be me?

The Human Condition - Chapter 4

I'm afraid that this world is suffering from the same delusion.

This idea that love just happens.

I cannot help but hope that once someone sets themselves to such a path they discover that love is not just one simple emotion. It is an amalgamation. It is a journey, whether it is within yourself or with another.

To me, it is equal to saying: I've walked with you, I've spoken to you, I can see and feel you, I trust you.

It is a journey that begins with a certain admiration and honesty. From it grows respect. A little kindness further allows for comfort and security. Add some humor and you'll grow old with laughlines and smiles.

Love doesn't just happen.

It becomes.

When life gives you lemons, make origami

We're living in a time where the minimal just doesn't cut it anymore. It's not enough anymore to just get your Bachelor's degree; to get your dream job you need your Masters. It's not enough to speak two languages; a third is preferred. And forget just winning the gold; these days want to see you set world records.

That extra mile is what sets us apart and moves us forward nowadays. That extra effort, that extra push, that extra moment. That is where you'll shine.

And that's after making lemonade.

;)

Writer's block is a b*tch

I wonder how long I'll stare at this blank screen until something comes to me.

This right here would be the curse of being a writer; sometimes you're just not sure of what you want to say.

But you don't need to be a writer to have this happen to you... I imagine that it happens to everyone.

And the problem isn't so much that there is a lack of something to say. Rather, I feel like my mind is flooded with inspiration, and I'm just not sure of what to go with.

It's true; it's late, and I'm tired.

Hahaha.. that wouldn't be the first time I used that excuse.

So forgive me all for using it here on you, but alas, I think it's time to wish you a good night as my eyelids slowly fall lower than they should whilst sitting in this upright position.

So sweet dreams all of you.

I'll be back...

Life's Continuum

To lose a loved one is to experience the most intense of emotions. Grief.

Of all of the emotions in the world, I feel that this must be the hardest to cope with.

How is someone supposed to wade their way through the deepest of sorrow?

Especially if they have to do it alone.

My mother lost both of her parents when she was seventeen. Her closest friend lost her daughter at the age of eight. My cousin lost her mother in high school.

I know nothing of the strength that has brought them through to today. But I revere them for it, knowing nothing... nothing of their struggle.

I find it hard to find the words that I want to say right now.

I suppose I can only start by telling them that I love them. I love them for their strength, I love them for their perseverance, I love them for allowing tomorrow to come.

My mother told me tonight that life is on a continuum, and that to harbor sadness and regret is to stifle your progress. I know that these were words of wisdom. And so I share these words with you.

Live your life, everyday, and make sure you let the people who matter to you know they matter to you. Take care of yourself, and make sure that no one disrespects or takes for granted your being on this earth. And last, but never never least, love thyself, and be strong. Because life is not intended to be a walk in the park. It is full of situations that you have absolutely no control over, and you must be prepared mentally and emotionally for whatever comes your way.

Before you go to sleep tonight, let someone you care about know. If you're next to them, give them a hug. And don't let the past get in the way of the future... life is too short, and so very precious, for that...

And so I go to sleep tonight, thinking of you, my friends, my family. I send you all my love and know that you are all in my hearts, every single last one of you.

*hug*

This is a shout out

to you who climbs mountains,
and to you who swims the deep blue sea;
to you who has a child, and to you who stands alone;
to you who works hard, and to you who relaxes restfully.

to you who sings with your beautiful voice,
and to you who dances on feet that float;
to you who has struggled, and to you who has succeeded;
to you who writes, to you who paints,
and to you who films the world around you.

to you who smiles, to you who cries, and to you who forever dreams;
to you who speaks many languages,
and to you who speaks to the deaf;
to you who serves the best coffee, to you who pours the best beer,
and to you who created the serbian iced tea.

to you who designs the most beautiful of dresses,
and to you who wears clothes so well;
to you who jumps from planes,
and to you whose feet have never left the ground;
to you who helps to educate the children in this world,
and to you who entertains them.

to you who has married, to you who is soon to be,
and to you who left him at the altar;
to you rides bikes, to you who rides waves,
and to you who sits in your jacuzzi;
to you who stands up for others,
and to you who has had others stand up for you.

to you who strums your guitar, to you who bangs on your drums,
and to you who plays the sax;
to you who plants gardens, and to you who makes me laugh;
to you who helps friends, and to you who will always be honest,
no matter how much it hurts.

to all of you who inspire me so.
you have touched my heart and influenced my ways.
i thank you all for being who you are.

this is a shout out to my friends.

The Human Condition - Chapter 3

It's been three days now that I sit on the porch of my parent's home and write these posts for this blog. I spend hours out here, sitting in the shade of the trees that tower overhead, listening to the sounds of the crickets, birds, dogs barking in the distance, and chipmunks; yes, chipmunks can compete in nature's cacophony.

I watch ants cross this wooden desert landscape, I let bees rest upon my toes, and the breeze comes and goes, running its fingers through my hair.

There is a scene I witness everyday. There is a branch that hangs low over the far end of this porch, and it spreads itself wide with branches and leaves. Within those leaves there are two bees that come to it for reasons I do not understand. Everyday these two bees fly from leaf to leaf, but there is one who always leads the other.

When the second bee gets to the first, it lands on it, pulling it off of the leaf, and then the two fall to the ground.

And then they fly back up, and start the whole dance again.

Over and over I hear the almost inaudible *plunk* as they land on the wooden boards below.

Why do they do this?

Is this some sort of mating ritual? Is it a show of force; an alpha situation of sorts? Or maybe they're just playing... do bees play?

Whatever it is, it keeps my attention. I like to think that that first bee is me, and the second bee represents all the things in life that try to pull me off course. Every time I see them fall, I root for the first bee to fly back up and continue what it was doing.

I'm about to get a set of pompoms and write a cheer.

I've never been much of a cheerleader.

But hey, better late than never.

Always, better late, than never.

Someone please, come here now!

The sky is red and purple and orange and full of light, and I'm in complete awe of this spectacular sight... this gorgeous gorgeous sunset...

Would someone please join me, and look up into the sky with me, just to agree that yes, this is beautiful....

Truly a night to remember....

(and my camera is doing it no justice....)

The Human Condition - Chapter 2

Chapter 2. How daunting.

I've never gotten this far.

But here I am, and looking back to how I got here makes me feel good. Good about life. Good about the past. Good about me.

I look back to past writings and it's like they're a map of a labyrinth. So much confusion, not sure of where to turn, which step to take; never realizing that the strength and conviction that I needed had been in me all along.

As if not knowing and trusting myself had just simply become a habit.

Long ago, I once wrote: I feel like I’m running a race in quicksand against my shadow. And my shadow’s winning.

As if that shadow wasn't a part of me.

But it is.

It grows and shrinks, appears and then disappears, just like my fleeting thoughts, fears, worries, and apprehensions. And just like the sun has a power over me to make that shadow come and go, so too do I have that power over those mental obstacles in my life.

What are obstacles other than opportunities to prove to yourself that you can do something above and beyond what you thought possible? What a fucking gift!

In the face of hurdles, I say jump. In the face of drawbacks, I say pull. In the face of stumbling blocks, I say get up. And in the face of a broken heart, I say keep on loving.

Keep on, keep on... keep on.

The Human Condition - Chapter 1

It rains a lot in New York these days. Rain instead of snow. Rain instead of sunshine. Rain instead of drizzle. It rains more than it did when I was a little girl growing up these streets. So an umbrella has taken a permanent spot in my bag, alongside my keys and a notebook.

It had been yet another spirit-crushing day at work in the financial district. I worked alongside cokeheads who were earning their living through scamming hard-working individuals out of their hard-earned money; I believe you call them businessmen. And it was always business with them, from phone call to phone call, empty promises, and a gong to chime for every deal made. They told me I’d be a rock star because my voice was seductive, and who wouldn’t give seventeen thousand dollars for an inside cover spot if I was asking?

I never made a deal though. I couldn’t. But they didn’t fire me. They wouldn’t fire me. They believed in me so. They fired people around me everyday for not pulling in the contracts, but never said anything to me, except that I’d be a rock star.

Three months went by like this. Monday through Friday, phone call after phone call, no thank you after no thank you, and all I ever did was thank people for their time. Mondays at the office were rallydays with announcements of who made the biggest deals of the previous week, with bottles of champagne to congratulate them. Wednesdays were snack days where the boss would treat us to muffins and doughnuts for breakfast. Fridays ended a little early so that the mandatory team-building beer-drinking could commence at the nearest bar before the crowds set in. And let’s not leave out the scheduled smoke breaks in between it all.

They had me believe that I was special, and that I was going to be successful. But at what price?

It was a price that I was not willing to pay.

It was raining, and I left work with the feeling that I might never return. There was no face I ever wanted to see again; there was no voice that I would miss. Only a paycheck.

I stood in the rain and waited for my bus to come, but it never did. Other buses came, but never the one I needed. It was only a matter of time, and wet feet, before I loaded the next bus that came my way. I rode it north along Pearl Street, and then east along East Broadway, and then north again along Allen Street, where I decided to get off, because my apartment was not far from there.

I turned a corner and found a little umbrella-less girl standing in a doorway, almost blocked by the scaffolding that lined the sidewalk. I walked past her, hardly noticing her at first, my umbrella held tight to my head so that the raindrops couldn’t dampen my hair. But then I stopped walking, not ten paces from where she stood.

I turned around and approached her, asking if she was waiting for it to stop raining. She nodded her head yes. I started to walk again. I walked several steps. But again, I stopped. Without thought, I returned to her and handed her my umbrella, and told her that it wasn’t going to stop raining anytime soon. I told her that she could go home now.

I watched from beneath the scaffolding as she darted out into the rain and crossed the street just ahead of the traffic. She couldn’t have been older than nine or ten. I wondered if she’d tell her mom that she had gotten the umbrella from a stranger.

I wrapped my black shawl around my head and headed home. I no longer avoided the puddles. I no longer sought brief refuge under the awnings. At this point I was wet, and there was nothing to do but accept it.

Eventually I made my way home and took a hot shower to wash away the cold rain that had seeped into my skin. I thought not about my long day, but about the little girl, and hoped that she herself was now home and warm too. I hoped that the umbrella was sitting in a corner, dripping itself dry, waiting to be used again.

The next morning I woke up in a state I still cannot explain. Only my actions could reveal this new me. Within moments of rising, my laptop was atop my lap, and I was writing an email to my boss:

Dear (boss),
For personal reasons, I can no longer come in to your office to work.

And then I hit send.

Two weeks later I received my last paycheck.

I don’t remember a single name of the people I spent three months of my life working alongside, and I don’t even remember what floor we were on, but I do remember that last day, and the look on the girl’s face when I handed her my umbrella.

It was all worth it.

The Greatest Lover of All Time

This is not a blog about men nor relationships, albeit I have had both, and many of which. And although it shall not the driving force of my writings, it is a great influence.

It is hard to love and be loved when you do not know which ground it is that your feet stand upon. This ever-shifting lack of knowledge and understanding of oneself can leave a person empty, even if they are surrounded with all of the necessary ingredients to be whole. I know this, and you should too.

Many men have crossed my path over the years. Some were able to keep me, some had to let go, most have been forgotten. All in all though, they left an imprint, somewhere, somehow, leaving me to figure out who this person is that I am today.

"Every soul takes on a part of that which it comes into contact with."

There has only been one, however, that is worth writing about. He was the greatest lover of all time.

Why?

Because he invades my dreams. My soul is telling me that I can't let go, even though my heart and my brain have already.

I met him when I didn't want to meet anyone. I have spent 12 years in long relationships with different men (4 years, 5 years, and 3 years, consecutively) and I am at a point in my life where I am the only person I care to tend to. But then I met him, and I fell harder and faster than I care to admit. And it shames me, because this is not who (and how) I want to be.

In my past I have made too many decisions influenced by the man (or men) in my life. I have ignored myself in the pursuit of love, er, rather, the pursuit of keeping that someone else happy, content, satisfied with me.

And so I have chosen to turn away.

He might be that perfect person for me, but I will never know. I will not walk that path again. I can not walk that path again.

Oh how I wish I had never met him, yet.

So here's to saying goodbye to a dream; a dream that has haunted me since the day we met, and will probably continue to do so. But it's okay.

Why?

Because I have learned one other important life lesson through my adventures... Time is a beautiful gift, and with it the truth will always reveal itself.

Whatever that truth may be.....

A Lover's Introduction

Hello there.
I am The Lover.

I am a woman who has surrendered her life to keeping her eyes and heart open to the many life-changing moments that this world has to offer, and there is much. And I love it all.

I have crossed oceans, hiked mountains, and swam in rivers that should have taken me away, but instead I was brought safely to shore.

Life has taught me that the larger the risk you take, the greater the reward, but beware; life is not always rewarding. Life is often disappointing, and heartbreaking. But it is all an uphill battle, and the more you let life know you're there, the more it shall respond.

And so I woke this morning, knowing that it was time to start sharing.

I shall share my desires and fears, my dreams and let-downs, my experiences and the lessons I have learned.

The greatest love in my life is me, and it took a long time to get here. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the reads. There's a lot that I have to say.