Monday, August 31, 2009

1999 - 2009 / A Retrospective

I don't know the days of innocence.

I don't remember when I didn't know, when I was first discovering, when the world changed. It was always already changed.

Sex, drugs, my rebel ways, always a part of who I was, always a part of the romance of my life, always my calling, my poison, my cure.

And now I've gone cold turkey. I'm returning to the days that were supposed to be mine.

No more fighting. I want peace.

No more binging. I want stability.

No more selfishness. I have others to think of.

No regrets either though.

I still teeter on this seesaw, wondering who I am, where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do it.. and then I remember that I'm the only person who can answer these questions. Which means that I can be whoever I want to be, go wherever I choose to go, do whatever I want to do, and do it however I so feel.

Ignorance is bliss? Whatever. It is stupidity. Knowledge is bliss, innocence is divine, and life is a crazy roller coaster just waiting for you to take its ride...

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I can't do what they do (but I can publish my 100th post)

It's job hunting season... I did this to myself. I had a job, and then I quit it two days later. I've brought this upon myself, like most things in this life....

The job boards are filled with positions for people vastly more qualified than me, for peope with skills I do not possess, for people who's interests are not the same as mine. Where's the job for me?

I am afraid that I know the answer to this question; I've known it all along. I'll never find my job out there because it's not a job that anyone can give me; it's a job I have to create myself.

Shit.

My happiness and success depends on motivating my lazy ass to get up and start making something happen.

Life never was as easy thing, but f*cking hell it's just become a hell of a lot harder...

Saturday, August 15, 2009

It's been a year now...

One year. Three hundred and sixty five days. About 8765 hours, depending on who you ask.

This blog was intended to facilitate the writing of a book. One year later, I'm no closer now than I was then. But how the world around me has otherwise moved on.

America inaugurated a black president. The economy crashed. The swine flu continues to spread. And I am now a married woman.

All these things happen around me, yet daily life hasn't really changed much. Babies still cry on airplanes, people still drunkenly sing their way home down my street on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Tuesday nights, and restaurants all over are still looking for serveuses. Movies are still being made, music is still influencing the youth, and drinking a coffee in a cafe seems to never go out of style. Organic is still more expensive than edible crap, the polar ice caps are still melting at record speeds, and Sarkozy is still painfully shorter than his amazonian wife. In fact, the only real tangible difference I can see these days is this ring I wear on my finger.

Funny how that little difference is what is going to make all of the difference.

I don't want my daily life to change, unless it is I who changes it. Perhaps that is why I sit content with my blog for now; for fear that taking that next big step into bookdom might spin my life into a direction I do not know the footing for. But did I not just marry? Did I not just do something new and scary and embark into a world I've never been in before? If I can do that with a man, why can I not find that same courage and do that with myself? For myself?

One year ago I would have never guessed that the world would change as it has, but it did regardless. I'm beginning to believe that anything is truly possible. Perhaps in one year, three hundred and sixty five days, about 8765 hours, depending on who you ask, I'll have written a book, the kind of book I have always dreamt of writing.

God knows, I'm a married woman now. Anything, anything is possible....