It doesn't make sense...

How can an organism want something that is harmful to it? Specifically, I'm talking about addiction and illness, and ultimately death.

As a smoker, I'm trying to make sense of my cravings for cigarette after cigarette after cigarette. How can my body do this to me? Isn't it wired for survival?

I learned once that you cannot leave too much food out for a labrador retriever because they will eat themselves to death, literally. I can relate somehow; I also seem to lack this ability to stop when I'm ahead.

I would like to quit smoking. Rather, I would like to rid myself of the cravings I have for them; no matter how much I give in, it only leaves me feeling more enslaved. For every cigarette, I want another, and for those two I want one more.

I want to take my life back. And I want to hold on to it for as long as I can. I know what needs to be done. *

*Warning: if I do actually try to quit, I'll probably post regularly about the hell I'm going through, as I've been smoking for 15 years... wish me luck, and please be patient with me. It's gonna be a rough ride....

Grey

For the second time here, I shall be posting someone else's words...

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Grey

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream.
but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem.

you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv.
you penetrate me,
and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.

and what can i say but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me,
and what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally?

regretfully, i guess i've got three simple things to say.
why me? why this now? why this way?
overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey,
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey.

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.
maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Winter's a comin'

The trees outside are almost parallel to the ground below them. The wind is ripping the leaves off and throwing them down to my feet. My hair is dancing around my head. My scarf is wrapped tightly around my neck.

I have the leftover taste of medicine in my mouth. It's my little toast to the upcoming season. *cough*cough*

Snow's falling around the world. Only rain here for now though. A few more degrees lost and we'll soon have ice.

I've been lost. Trying to retrace my steps through puddles that weren't there before. Do I trust my sense of direction?

The night's going to be a long one. I hope the sun comes up soon. We need some warmth up in here.

Distance and the fonder heart

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I don't know if that's true.

Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

Sometimes distance makes the heart grow weary, sometimes it makes it grow curious, and sometimes it just makes it grow.

Distance of space and time is like a test; a test to see if your heart is truly unchanging.

There are times I curse distance, and others where I welcome it. Either way, it's an inevitably of life, and fighting it won't make things any easier.

So come distance, come time, come and stay a while. I'll make us some tea and see who can stick around the longest...

Saturday Post - No more cobwebs / A piece of you / Paris

Today's post is a little atypical, as I ordinarily post during the week. However, seeing how little I've posted this week, I've decided to write up a special Saturday edition.

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No More Cobwebs

Matters of the heart is a curiosity that has plagued men and women alike for centuries on end. Why do cheezy pop songs about love climb the charts? It seems because we all unfortunately know (and have felt) what the singers are talking and singing about... we relate to it.

Ah, the heart. What a funny place. What little control we have over it. Or is that really the case?

I once thought that I had no control of my heart. I thought my heart had settled on one person, and for almost 10 years that fact remained unchanged. But it was a heart in waiting, and I don't get the impression that hearts will wait around forever. Not if it's the only one waiting.

So I took a summer and decided to open my heart, and let in more than I had ever before. It was my summer of love. It began and ended in San Francisco, but it branched out to LA, Germany, Poland, and Paris. By the end, my heart had swelled, and as it emptied, I found myself feeling free; free of the cursed love I had carried around with me for so long. The only love I had left in me was a love for myself.

In the months that have followed, life has been challenging through my unemployment, family issues, and stress that has reached levels so high that my body is beginning to physically react... but I have never felt better. To have my heart back makes everything manageable.

There is someone in my life again now, and I find myself being apprehensive from time to time. I suppose I just want to make sure I know my balance point; I want to share my heart, but I don't want to give it away.

Time will tell how things progress, but I do know one thing. My heart was mine again, if even for only a short time, and that means that right now, for the first time in my life, I am beginning a relationship with someone and I don't have any old love in tow. And that knowledge -that feeling- is incredible.

It makes me feel like anything is possible.

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A Piece of You

There is something amazing about something that is handmade by a friend especially for you. It almost doesn't matter what it is that they've given you, so long as you know that they made it for you, you're going to love it. (Unless you don't love it, which happens sometimes..)

The question is though, why love it simply because they made it?

Well, making something takes time. Sometimes it takes days, or weeks. It takes forethought, planning, and effort. It takes time out of that person's life.

But that time doesn't disappear. It is captured within the finished product. It will forever reflect the person who made it in the eyes of its recipient. A handmade item for a friend is like a time capsule of your soul. So long as its around, you're around.

And that's what friends are for ;)


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Paris

Paris, Paris, Paris. I finally figured out why I like you so.

You treat me like an adult.

You allow me to make it my responsibility to watch out for the multitudes of scooters and Vélib riders who careen past the line of traffic-jammed cars as I cross the street. You test my patience on Sundays and Mondays by shutting everything down, but it forces me to just simply plan ahead. You keep the lights on at night so if I want to drink wine with my friends at the Seine until the first metro, we can; you know we'll be okay.

Paris, you let us learn lessons along the way of our mistakes. You trust that we have a head on our shoulders. You leave us alone to make our own decisions. And yet, your rain, your clouds, your fog, and your sunshine always remind us that you are the reason for all of this in the first place.

So big'ups to Paris. As far as cities go, you're like a mother to me.

possibly maybe

I met a man many years ago.

He befriended me, and I him.

We stayed in touch over the years, over the distance.

We saw each other again recently.

We had yet another wonderful time together.

I didn't want to say goodbye.

He said I didn't have to.

Now he lays here next to me.

And I couldn't be happier.

Letting the days slip by...

Summer is falling from the trees in shades of yellow and brown.

The winds are cooler. The sun is setting sooner. The warm sweaters are coming out to play.

I lay here and wonder if fall will pass as quickly as summer; a summer that now feels like a dream.

So much can change in a season.

Winter is upon us and I wonder what other surprises will tag along.

I'm looking forward to finding out...

Asleep at the wheel

It's Friday now. Again. It seems that no matter how many there are, it's impossible to tire of them.

I've done a poor job with getting to the computer lately. Rather, a poor job with keeping up with this blog. Life as of late has become almost surreal, and I spend my evenings laying in bed thinking about what I should write, and inevitably forgetting in the morning.

I lay there at night and I think about my day, the people I saw, the conversations I had, the pictures I took. I think about the moments and let them point me in the direction of what I should post about. Everything around me inspires me.

And then I close my eyes. And I fall asleep. And I dream dreams that are soon forgotten.

I trust myself enough to know that there will always be something to write about, always something to express. But how often do forgotten thoughts return?

Some of those late night thoughts have been good ones....

Back on track...

Okay then, that last week of postings was fun. Looking forward to seeing what this week has in store. So far, things look to be getting off to an interesting start as I lay in my bed and type this with one hand... (It has taken me far longer to write this much than it normally would...)

Seeing that brevity is key then, I shall make but one point.

This world is a crazy place. And I'm not talking about crazy people and the crazy things they do; I'm talking about the crazy things that happen beyond our control. I'm talking about chance encounters, bizarre coincidences, and serendipity.

Oh how the world keeps us on our toes.

Yeah... that's all for tonite. Sweet dreams everyone.

Sex: Part II

I had envisioned doing a whole week-long series on this topic, but the week is nearly over now, and I'm only on the second posting. Go me.

So, yeah, sex. Why had I felt the impulse to dedicate a week to it?

Probably because I think it's a lot more complicated of a topic than it seems. I mean, sex, we all know it, we've all had it, what is there really to say?

I suppose that it means something to me to write about it here because sex is a part of my life, alongside all of the other experiences I've had in life, and sex always qualifies as an experience!

Sometimes the experience is good, and it leaves one wanting more. Sometimes it's not, and so you move on. (Yes, it is very easy to move on from said situation.. hahaha...) Fundamentally, sex isn't ever really the issue though; it's usually the emotions that get tied in that complicate and get the better of people.

I'm not an advocate for emotionless sex though; that's absolutely no fun. By all means, bring on the roller-coaster ride of life and throw some sex and feelings into the mix. That's what makes a person come alive!

But if the emotions become possessive, untrusting, or aren't mutual, the physical relationship takes the toll. When it comes to success in relationships, the delicate balance of openness in communication and openness in bed is one that needs to be maintained.

Being with someone with whom you share a mutual trust and admiration, being touched by someone who cares for you and that you care for in return, being kissed by someone who enjoys kissing you and whom you happily kiss back, and having sex with someone and not ever wanting it to end, that's what good sex is all about, and perhaps the key to a healthy sexual relationship.

I wonder what I'll come up with next...

Sex: Part I

Sex, is, well, what can I say? Sex is sex is sex.

It's what we bring to it that creates a significance.

Sex can be fun, it can be passionate, it can be quick, and it can hurt. Not necessarily all together, or even in that order. Hahaha...

But yeah, sex can be many things, or nothing at all. Sometimes sex is just sex. Say hello to one night stands.

One Night Stands
Not a fan. Never was, never will be.

In an effort to not insult those of you who are fans, I'll treat this delicately.

It's no fun waking up next to a stranger, its no fun being touched by someone who doesn't know how to touch you, and its definitely no fun being treated like you are just a warm body to f*ck.

Especially when you're a hell of a lot more than that.

Jaded

Relationships are wonderful. Even when they suck, they're fucking great.

Why? Because of how much you can learn from them, about yourself, about others.

By all means, have as many relationships as possible! See how differently people can smile. Hear how differently they can laugh. Feel how differently they can kiss. Sense how differently they can love.

Keep in mind always that everyone's got their own M.O. From one person to the next, never expect the same thing twice. Some people hold hands while others link arms, some kiss the neck and others the back, and some like to hold while others prefer to fall asleep. And forget about discussing preferred positions... we're all definitely unique people.

Be weary though, as relationships create memories, and those memories can alter who you are and how you operate, especially if they weren't positive.

Don't be jaded by the letdowns of the past. Don't lose faith just because someone else did. If you discover within yourself abandoned hopes, forgotten dreams, and fear, then it's time to revisit who you really are. Push the memories aside.

Rekindle those old desires, get back on the road to your dreams, and fear nothing. Be you.

Doing this will keep you strong and open enough for any relationship, if you so choose to have one.

Don't ever let old memories get in the way of new ones.

The Human Condition - Chapter 10

There are no rules in life. Only the norms.

And breaking from them is bliss.

Unless, of course, you're a gun-toting trench coat wearing angry person, in which case, please don't break the norms and shoot people. It's not cool. You're ruining our day.

The fog

I was supposed to leave Paris. I was supposed to board a plane. I was supposed to go away. But the fog settled in and I wasn't going anywhere.

He said it was a sign. He said stay.

I asked if he'd have me if I stayed.

He said absolutely.

I didn't leave Paris. I didn't board my plane. I didn't go away.

Only the fog did.