The kiss

I watched a couple kiss in the train station today. They wouldn't let go of each other. The way their smiles crept up into the lines of their faces and down through their tight embrace, well, it made me cry. Not because it made me sad, but because it gave me hope.

Be careful what you wish for...

I am going to curtail my wishing.

I have learned my lesson.

I have wished for la folie in life. I have wished for someone to just fall for me as quickly as I might fall for them, letting us skip the 'getting to know you' time period, and just hitch ourselves and start life.

But alas, the world is a cruel jokester and sent me that man, and he wasn't what I was expecting. Nor was he what I wanted.

He found me on a corner in the middle of the night, waiting patiently for a taxi. After an invitation to a party which I declined, he offered to ride with me in the taxi that would eventually take me home. I said no. But he came anyway.

The entire ride he asked me about myself, and wondered if I found him crazy. I did.

We reached my home, I thanked him for the conversation, and tried to go inside. He stood outside my door, begging me to see that we were meant to be together. I couldn't.

I finally closed the door behind me, went up to my apartment, opened the window, and there he was, standing on the street below, looking up at me. For the next 45 minutes, he called up to me, begging me to run away with him. He kept saying, "Really? Really? You don't feel the same way as I do? Really?"

Really.

So be careful what you wish for my friends. I am afraid that I lost my chance at la folie since I turned that man away. I hope that's not the case, but I sincerely doubt that I'll ever meet another human being who believes in this idea as strongly as he does.

As strongly as I do.

Rule of Thumb

Always carry an airplane blanket, a napkin, or a band-aid.

You never know when you're going to need a nap, blow your nose, or cover up the blister that those hot new shoes just gave you.

The One

My friends, we've got it all wrong.

There is no 'one' in life. There is no quest to find that one perfect match.

Instead there is the 'one' who is here and now, and capable of making us feel like it's all we need.

That 'one' is the person we want to stand next to and with whom we'd like to lay in bed. That 'one' is someone whose face would make every morning wonderful, and every photo frame-worthy.

That 'one' makes each day better, and keeps you looking forward to tomorrow.

Sometimes that 'one' goes away. But there's always another 'one' to come along. There are so many 'ones' in life... so many people with whom we can share ourselves...

So enough of soulmates. That's just too depressing of a notion, and this world is too big to try to cover it all in such a search.

It's simply about the 'one' who is here and now. The 'one' who has just crossed your path. The 'one' who makes you happy.

The 'one' of many...

From New York to Geneva

A beautiful man told me recently that he's fallen in love. It took him two heartbeats before deciding he'd marry her.

Thank you my friend for bringing the romantic in me back to life, in full force.

She was a little dusty, rusty in some parts, but she's in one piece.

I had forgotten though how insistent she can be in her wishes. I had forgotten how incessantly she seeks that romance of life; the romance of the here and now, of the moment.

She's been so quiet for so long, letting me lead the way with my logic, never warning me of her imminent return.

Her homecoming is welcomed, this is true. She might try to make up for lost time though, and I'm not quite sure what that's going to mean just yet.

She's back though. So all I can do is warn the people around me: Beware, I might end up loving you for the craziest of reasons.

Forgive me.. it's just that damn inner romantic in me... she likes to love.

(And it feels good.)

The Human Condition - Chapter 9

What is this world?

How has it come to be that women and men are still blind to each other's desires? Do we not all want the same things in life? Are we not all human?

And what of these 'social norms'?

How can a man's love at first sight be romantic when a woman's is simply labeled loneliness? How can a man's pursuit of her be admirable while a woman's would be seen as desperation? Why is a man allowed to get away with doing things that a woman would be scorned for?

What is this world?

Why can't the emotional creatures in it be emotional? Why can't we ever let nature take its course?

How have we become so convoluted in our efforts?

What happened to life's simplicity? Where have the simple exchanges of a glance gone? Where has the excitement of discovery and risk gone? Why must people always try to know, instead of just trust?

Where is the "It was nice to meet you, let's elope..."?

Where is la folie?

It's official, I'm putting myself on the table; I want the craziness of life and I want the world to know. I'm not afraid of first encounters, and I'm not afraid to reach out for what I want. I'm not worried about how people shall view me, because I'm worried about who I might not be if I cared. I'm not scared to share my feelings, and I'm not concerned about scaring someone away. I just have to make sure that my inside matches my outside; so long as I can trust in me to do that, then I know I'm in good hands.

Welcome to my world.
Hope you stay for a while....

time travel is a b*tch

As much as I love to travel, I find it hard to balance any kind of ongoing schedule with what I'm up to wherever I am.

People should just get "I'm stepping out for a while" passes in life, where they have the green light to leave everything behind and just go off worry free... Colleagues, professors, friends and family would get the "I've stepped out for a while" auto-responses from emails, and message machines that would say the same, and they'd just say to themselves, "Ah, s/he stepped out for a while.. All good.. I'll just wait till s/he gets back.."

Ah, wouldn't that be the life....

The Human Condition - Chapter 8

La Folie.

It's for real.

La folie of life, la folie of love.

It's out there.

It takes the eyes of a romantic to see it. It takes the heart of a lover to feel it. It takes the strength of determination and courage to harbour it. And it takes to two people to live it.

Fear has no home in la folie; it all must be thrown to the wind.

It is about trust: trust in life and trust in love.

Trust in la folie.

(Sometimes I don't want to, but sometimes I just can't help myself...)

Most of the Time

I wish the following words were mine, but alas they are not. They do however resonate with me, somewhere, somehow, and I'd like to share them here, today, with you.

Most of the Time
Most of the time I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path, I can read the signs
I can stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever I stumble upon
I don't even notice that he's gone
Most of the time

Most of the time it's well understood
Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could
I can make it all match up, I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
And I don't even think about him
Most of the time

Most of the time my head is on straight
Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what his lips felt like on mine
Most of the time

Most of the time he ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know him if I saw him, he's that far behind
Most of the time I can't even be sure
If he was ever with me or if I was ever with him
Most of the time

Most of the time I'm halfway content
Most of the time I know exactly where it all went
I don't cheat on myself, I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings that I buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see him again
Most of the time

I'm on the menu!

So apparently I come in three flavors: coconut, guava and raspberry.

The choice is yours ;)

Lost in Translation

Life has a wonderful way of making one laugh.
It's its way of keeping your spirits high and laugh lines intact.

And humor can be found around very corner.

When I was in Korea, I often had to think twice about what was being said to me, as accents and pronunciation regularly got in the way. Not that I minded though, as each conversation always made me smile.

When I would ask my host-mother what we were having for dinner, she'd tell me "lice."

When my host-brother needed help, he'd ask me for a "faber."

And when my assistant teacher told me that first period was canceled, she said that the reason was "crass erections."

Oh Korea, you're so good...

Gone are the days

Gone are lazy Sundays and midweek hump days.
Gone is early to bed early to rise.
Gone are Monday mornings.
This is the life of the job hunt, and everyday is like the previous one: jobless.

There aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month anymore.
Days run into each other. Nights keep ending too soon.
Fingers perpetually crossed.
Hoping someone will like me, based on a single sheet of paper.

My palm reads that there are two roads in my life.
They branch apart between my pinky and my thumb.
Could this be that crossroad?
Am I supposed to take a different road?

Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.
Maybe I'm turning to the wrong sources.
Maybe I shouldn't be searching outwards;
Maybe I should be looking in.

I am an artist with skills I was born with.
I have a personality that works across borders.
I travel like it's going out of fashion.
I think maybe it's time to work for me.

So out I will let me wander.
I will walk the walk of photographer, graphic designer, writer, and teacher.
For fun I shall make coffee and posters.
In the evenings I shall retire to my crossword puzzles,
and in the mornings ride my bicycle.

Balance is what I seek.

There is no balance in the job hunt.
Only this stress that keeps me going day by day...
I search for a job, nay.
I search for release.

Yesterday's Silence

I didn't post last night. Instead, it was an evening of silence, as a friend of mine said goodbye to his mother for the last time.

My heart goes out to him, as he is alone in the world now. Only his friends are his family.

Take a moment today and reach out to the ones you love, friends or family. Even just to say hi; being able to do that is a gift we so often take for granted.

Life is short. Even when it's long. It'll always be too short...

To be heard

I watched a captivating video this evening on YouTube. It was a clip from a recent Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, where he discussed the current political climate here in America. He made some points that I couldn't have agreed with more, and would like to further comment on them. (For those of you unfamiliar with Craig Ferguson, he is a Scottish TV talk-show host, and was also an actor in the wonderful movie Saving Grace.)

It is appalling and insulting, the way that the media here manipulates the American public. (Shame on the networks for playing such dangerous mind games.)

News should be based on facts, not agendas. (Perspective is one thing, lies are another.)

Even the whole campaign of "Rock the Vote", to motivate the youth to be more active and engaged, makes one realize how truly backwards we have gone; here we are, trying to convince people to partake of the very tenet that makes America what it is - THE RIGHT TO VOTE.

So those of you who read this, please make sure you're registered to vote where you live, so that on November 4, 2008, you can fulfill your duty as a citizen and vote for America's next president, whomever you so choose....

(Go Obama!)


ps - If you're interested in watching the video, here's the url:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdRVQ4xwwmQ

Now or Never

There's a time in life to reach out and grab what you want, and a time to let it pass by. Keep in mind though that desire doesn't always sit well on a shelf, so don't put it there thinking you'll return to it someday; you can't guarantee yourself that your tastes will remain unchanged.

Some things are simply now or never.

C'est la vie.

Fatherly advice

Tonight, over a excellent bottle of wine, my father said something to me.

He told me that love was like a virus. You either have it or you don't. And like an infection to the brain, it makes you do crazy things.

I had no idea that my father and I agreed on anything...

When it rains, it pours...

When it rains, it pours; and today the sky is black with clouds and the rain is pounding its way down.

In the past 48 hours, my life has gone from the life that I know to a new territory I'm terribly unfamiliar with. My family is falling apart, my education and vast professional experience can't get me the jobs I want, and my body has stopped communicating with me. I cannot remember the last time I felt so ineffective, incapable, and inadequate.

These emotions manifest themselves into pain. I am fighting off my desire to cry, because history proves that it won't do me any good to let my tears fall. I'll let the storm outside do that for me.

But when this storm passes, and the sun comes out to shine, where does that leave me?

It leaves me with a better light to see.

I can only reason that these events in my life (or lack thereof) have left me so down because I approached them with great hopes. How else can can a person fall to the floor, unless they were looking up.

My family is one that is founded upon secrecy, borne of lack of trust, communication, and respect. I had always hoped that this would change; always believing that maybe, just maybe, if I changed, they would too; as if leading by example could make a difference. Someday I will learn that some people just don't change; or more specifically, perhaps I'm just not that person who could have such an influence.

The jobs I've reached out to are all ones that I am fully qualified for, and every resume I send I am hopeful that this is the one that'll take me. But they don't. Does this mean that my life of travel, my good education, and my work experience amounts to nothing? My bank account suggests it's so. Perhaps I am not the qualified person I thought I was. Perhaps I have just been aiming too high.

My body has never been dependable. My sleeping habits change from week to week, my skin has a life of its own, and never have I been able to predict my next period. For the first time in my life however, everything changed this past summer, and my body fell into a rhythm that I welcomed wholeheartedly. But now it's back to the way it was. I am staying up far later than I have in months, my skin is a daily challenge, and who knows the next time I'll need to use my female supplies. Perhaps I believed too strongly that things were finally falling into a place that I needed and wanted them to be.

My hope in my approaches to these things comes from my undying optimism. To lose this hope would be to admit defeat. Why must life test us so? Why does my optimism come under such attack?

Unfortunately for life, I am a fighter. I will not let these things get the better of me.

If my family cannot resolve their issues, I am still me.
If the job of my dreams will not hire me, I am still me.
If my body wants to do its own thing, I am still me.

I will be me no matter what people think, say, or do. That is my strength in life. No matter how hard this rain falls, no matter how hard the thunder clashes, no matter how blinding the lightening may be, I am me, and I always carry an umbrella.

A moment to myself

I am the stomach of life; I take it all in and digest it slowly, in an effort to get rid of the crap.

I used to be life's heart, but the pace was too regular and unforgiving. I was once life's brain, but the logic wasn't clear enough to see. I tried to be life's legs, but they couldn't support the weight I carried; so too befell the fate of the arms. I wanted to be life's face, but too few people were willing to welcome the unfamiliar. I thought I could be life's feet, but my path was too unique to find the direction. I couldn't be life's hands, because I let go just as much as I hold on. I experimented as life's smile, but no stranger cared to return it. It was only in life's kiss that I found a temporary spot for myself, but then I had to move on; I realized its dangers just before it was too late...

Life is an organism that is complex by nature, but can easily be dissected into comprehensible parts.

So tell me... which part of it are you?

Monday Eve

Another weekend, come and gone... and time, it just keeps on moving by.

It moves along with the tick of a clock, and the currents of a river...
It moves along with a bird's flapping wings, and the setting sun...
It moves along with each new strand of grey hair growing on my head.

Ah, time...
I like you.

The Human Condition - Chapter 7

I sat on a bench once in Frankfurt. For a long time. It was in a park. I thought a lot during those hours that I sat there and watched the people come and go around me. And then I began to write...

* I am embarrassed to sit here and feel afraid, nay, unsafe. I couldn't be in a safer or more relaxed environment. Men across the street fix shingles on the roof as bike riders pedal down the street between us. Women jog along nearby paths and stop near me to stretch. Two children play on the twirly-ride to my right and mothers push baby carriages to my left. The birds are chirping and the clouds protect me from July's harsh sun. It is silly to think that I cannot close my eyes to rest - peacefully.

* My words are like a camera, casting a certain light on my memories; flattening real life onto a black and white canvas. Sometimes I fear that something might be left out, creating an incomplete picture, my framing is off; parts of a memory lost forever. But does it do justice to leave these memories alone, locked away? Can I trust my mind to to leave these precious memories intact, untouched, perfectly preserved until I fetch them again? ...Experience tells me no.

* I am a fortunate human being. I must never forget that. Some days feel less fortunate than others, but I must never lose sight of the truth.

* I am happy and thankful that I have arrived in time for playtime. This park will feel empty when everybody leaves.

* It is beautiful to watch children play. Their world is one I have forgotten. To bear witness to their collaboration, laughter, and imagination is like peeking through an open window, left open for me, by them.

* Why did I have to come to Germany to see a red squirrel? Or to find new toys on a playground? Therein lies the reward of travel, and why I incessantly wander from place to place. Just as I begin to think I've seen it all, I find that I am truly mistaken.

After writing these words on the only small piece of paper that I had on my person, I got up from the bench and crossed a field. I took a blanket from my bag and laid it out. I crawled onto it and fell asleep.

... I had sweet dreams of sitting alone in a park in Frankfurt...

Was once a young girl...

Of all of the people you know, who should know you best?

Should it be your family? Friends? Your companion in life? Or strangers with whom you've only shared a moment?

Who?

And what is knowing someone best? Is it being aware of their past, and all of their mistakes, or perhaps only knowing them now and what they've become? Is it the two combined?

But what if your past is so vastly different than your present?

And what if you needed that past to get to this point?

My heart is too heavy with these questions.

The Human Condition - Chapter 6

"In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes."

Benjamin Franklin had it right... almost.

He forgot one other important certainty: change.

I welcome change in my life for one reason: it is uncomfortable. (What, you didn't really expect me to say that change is soft and cuddly, did you?!?) ;)

Seriously though, that lack of comfort can lead you to new directions, to learn new things, and it will force you to change in many ways, but in time you will realize your strength from doing that (and in doing so you will find a new comfort zone). In overcoming the difficulties of change, you will see that change is advantageous, and soon you will grow to welcome every opportunity for it.

And believe you me, change happens in the strangest of ways sometimes, most of the time where you want it the least. But that cannot keep you from moving forward. And don't shy away from it; that's the recipe for staying the same.

Now, I'm not trying to suggest that you're in need of a changin', cause I love you all just the way you are, but what I am saying is that stagnation is no fun; as the world grows around you, so to must you grow with it, and true change is nothing short of growth.

So if your job wants you to relocate, or if your loved one doesn't love you any more, or even if simply your favorite cafe just closed, just relish in the fact that change is upon you again, and accept it. Go ahead, do a little dance. (Who knows.. that new location might lead you to meet that person of your dreams in your new favorite cafe... life could be worse.) ;)

The Human Condition - Chapter 5

We've all been there: we walk into a situation expecting one thing, and walk out knowing another. Usually that walking out is coupled with a strong desire to be sick. So, what happened?

Well, I imagine that two things happened.

First, the expectation happened. There's nothing more dangerous than thinking that you know what is about to happen (especially if it involves someone else). For your own piece of mind, always try and remember that you cannot script the future.

Secondly, and this is the more evasive aspect, is the knowledge. Sometimes you're lucky enough to deal with a person who knows how to be honest, and it's just simply the harsh smack of reality that is getting to you.

But what if you've been told what you wanted to hear, but something's still not sitting well? Well then my friend, at this point you're dealing with your gut, your instincts, and that will speak louder to you than any human could ever dream to.

There is a reason that we, as animals, are born with our instincts. Yes, initially they're there to help us drink, and grab, and walk. But what of these instincts once we've grown? Wild or domesticated, animals never seem to let their instincts fall by the wayside, so why should we? How have we?

We humans are like our animal brothers and sisters in that we're born with this basic set of survival instincts, but we are also set apart from said animals in a variety of ways, and I think that the most compelling one is the one that breaks from our instincts: our ability to question. And a direct result of that questioning has led to religion, and a sense of who we are and why we're here.

So in answering those questions, and making our way day in and day out, how can we not hold a candle to those moments where we know something is wrong, but can't exactly explain why. That right there would be the evolution of our instincts; our innate ability to sense those things that might not be immediately apparent, and sense whether they're good for us or not.

Saying that then, it's not even really about evolution, is it? It's about the thousands of years that we have been on this planet and have had to survive, and the relationship of survival to contentment with one's own life.

I believe that survival and contentment are intertwined. I see how the stress of sadness affects people, from the way it affects their body to the way it affects their decisions; and it's not healthy. In fact, it's a downright killer.

So we cannot fool ourselves into believing that gut feelings should hold no value. They hold the most value. Your gut only speaks what you already know, but your brain somewhere is not delivering the message. And all of the questions and answers in the world can never replace what you truly feel.

Survival of the fittest is still alive and well, but it has manifested itself into something different in this day and age; now it is survival of the smartest. The smartest being those who understand how to live life, and when to know what will be good for oneself and what won't be.

So listen to yourselves. Listen to your heart. Listen to your brain. And most importantly, listen to that little voice inside of you; it really only has you in its best interest. It always has, and will always continue to do so.

Yep, I'm voting for Obama

This weekend was a good one. It began with watching Obama's speech from last Thursday night at the Democratic National Convention. I must say, it was a moving and inspiring speech; if you haven't yet watched it, stop reading this and go watch it. Trust me, you won't hate me for it.

I don't have much to say but this: Barack Obama has my vote.

In an effort to keep things brief and not get too political here, I just want to say that the only reason I mention it is because his speech has been on my mind all weekend since I watched it. And it has filled me with hope. It's a hope for America that I must admit I've never felt before.

And it feels good.

I hope America elects Obama by a landslide.... I know I'll be voting.

Now, if only Bush could manage to not piss off the Russians too badly during his last months in office... we don't need another war on our hands. Everyone, get ready to celebrate his last day in office... and the hopeful inauguartion of a much better man for the job.

And oh yeah, happy first day of September. ;)