The night I met the neighbors

This evening, I had my late night smoke in the courtyard of my building.

As I stooped in the shadows, a young woman came in and saw me, and walked towards me asking if I had any alcohol that I could sell her; she was heading to friend's party up on the 3rd floor and seeing that it was 2am, nothing in the neighborhood was open to buy anything.

I told her I had nothing to give her, and apologized for not even having a bottle of shit wine to offer. Truth was, I did have alcohol up in my kitchen, but it is a bottle of bourbon, and I keep it for those wonderfully random sporadic hot-toddy nights. Can't be giving that away.

Anyway, not much later on, as I was finishing off my smoke, a group of people came down, amongst them the woman I had met earlier. She quickly introduced me to my neighbors above, as well as the rest of their group, and as quickly as they had showed up, they were out the door and onto the street, drunk and looking to continue their evening.

That 's now two neighbors in the building who I know. (Three if counting the neighbor below me whose door I had to knock on to retrieve my kitchen-mat, which had fallen from my window sill down onto his.)

So far, everyone I'm meeting and seeing are around my age. And so far, everyone seems cool. I've lived here for four months now... funny that all of a sudden now I'm meeting the people who live so close to me...

Hunger

I'm a different person when I'm hungry.

I think differently. I act differently. I move differently.

Priorities are quickly rearranged. Time is made. Certain obligations cease to exist.

And when I speak of hunger, I speak of hunger as if it was but a desire. A desire for food, for love, for affection, for solitude, for happiness, or perhaps to just be creative.

Hunger drives us, if only for short spurts throughout the day, it does so each and every day of our lives.

There's no ignoring it.

Hunger only grows, and not feeding it can kill a person, in body, heart, and soul.

And feeding that hunger is the best feeling in the world.

Not for nothing

Weeks go by, with each day passing quicker than the previous one. Is it because the sun is staying up longer, the days are getting warmer, winter's finally ending? Or is it because perhaps the worst of life is finally over?

It feels like time can once again resume its normal pace.

How slow the days can drag on when things are so hard and so sad. How difficult it was to imagine not feeling heavy with those thoughts. How hard it was to smile.

And little by little, and day by day, just as I had hoped, I began to forget. New memories made to push the others away from the spotlight. New friends and new laughs. New days and new nights and so much of the old released.

But not all.

Some has stayed; and it has changed me. Like everything else in life, these experiences have changed the way I look at things, at the world, at people, and at me.

Everything is never for nothing.

Life is a never-ending series of lessons to learn... it's our choice to accept or reject them.

Personally, I'm a fan of acceptance; I like to learn new things every day...

My heart named Tyler

One more week under my belt, and again, another lifetime led for a hot minute.

Where have the days gone where I could count on tomorrow?

I'm scared of what tomorrow brings now. Scared that it's to bring more disappointment, more let-down, more emptiness.

The hardest part is realizing that my feelings are borne of my hidden hopes and my sanguine expectations... this is all my doing.

And it's all I try to avoid.

But my heart won't stop making an effort to love, no matter how much I try to stand in its way.

I feel like I'm Edward Norton in Fight Club, and my heart is Tyler Durden. Oh how it sometimes fills me with confidence and make me feel invincible, but when it's not, my heart is my worst adversary.

I'm not about to shoot myself to make my heart named Tyler go away though.

I guess I'll just have to keep letting the weeks come and go, and hope that someday, well, hope that someday my crazy heart will calm down and just be content with me...

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I was last myself....

Two short weeks, and in awe of how little can happen and yet alter so much.

... I'm changed forever.

Two short weeks ago, I tested positive five times to take-home pregnancy tests. With each package I opened I desperately hoped that in five minutes I wouldn't see that second blue line or pink positive sign appear in that second little window. They were always there.

I took blood and urine tests. The results said I had the hormones.

I even had an ultrasound. And there it was. And I couldn't deny it any longer.

And I wanted to keep it... him.. her...

But I didn't. For reasons I accepted, but didn't agree with...

I know it's going to be okay... life is good to me that way... but I just wish that none of this had ever happened...

I am not happy to have had to make the kind of decision I had to make.

Nobody Knows (words by Oren Lavie)

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes...
Nobody knows

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
Where people are pleasantly strange
And counting the change
And she goes...
Nobody knows.

Sweeping up the pieces

I could not help but notice the hairs and socks left round my apartment. Today became the day to clean: the apartment, the mind, the soul.

Hobbling on one foot as I worked my way slowly around the room, picking up memories of these past weeks, I found that it got easier and easier to let go; to let go of the ideas, the hopes, the wild imaginings of a girl who fell in love.

Funny that today is today.

It is my three month anniversary of my return to Paris. Three months, the same exact amount of time he'll be gone. And so much much has happened since my arrival, and I can not even begin to imagine what lies in store for me ahead... Three months. Such a long time. Such an awesomely long time, just enough time to forget about all of this....