I'm not sure which pain is worse, or which crack was louder, but I do know that I wish I could numb myself from head to toe.
I wish I could erase my memory. Delete the words. Shake the hell out of the fucking etch-a-sketch of life. I want a new path. I need a new direction.
I am stupid when I am in love. And stupidity always leads to getting hurt. Apparently stupidity and taking risks are not greeted by life in the same manner.
We are seemingly rewarded when we take risks; the rewards of traveling to new places, meeting new people, eating new foods, listening and dancing to new music... you take these things away and your live is enriched with their memories. But you do this with love, and you reward yourself with discovering a new person, touching a new body, falling in love with new eyes, becoming vulnerable again... you take these things away, and you're left empty.
And its horrible, how a person can carve out a space like that in a heart, and be thoughtless enough to then vacate it.
Anger is now following the sadness I felt earlier. Later tonight I'm sure to move onto loneliness. In the morning I'll be groggy, and probably put on some music to try to motivate me a little bit.
I know this pain will pass, and this wound will heal. But what I'm not looking forward to in the end is the scar.
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