It doesn't make sense...

How can an organism want something that is harmful to it? Specifically, I'm talking about addiction and illness, and ultimately death.

As a smoker, I'm trying to make sense of my cravings for cigarette after cigarette after cigarette. How can my body do this to me? Isn't it wired for survival?

I learned once that you cannot leave too much food out for a labrador retriever because they will eat themselves to death, literally. I can relate somehow; I also seem to lack this ability to stop when I'm ahead.

I would like to quit smoking. Rather, I would like to rid myself of the cravings I have for them; no matter how much I give in, it only leaves me feeling more enslaved. For every cigarette, I want another, and for those two I want one more.

I want to take my life back. And I want to hold on to it for as long as I can. I know what needs to be done. *

*Warning: if I do actually try to quit, I'll probably post regularly about the hell I'm going through, as I've been smoking for 15 years... wish me luck, and please be patient with me. It's gonna be a rough ride....

Grey

For the second time here, I shall be posting someone else's words...

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Grey

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey.
i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream.
but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem.

you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv.
you penetrate me,
and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea.

and what can i say but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me,
and what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally?

regretfully, i guess i've got three simple things to say.
why me? why this now? why this way?
overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey,
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey.

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.
maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Winter's a comin'

The trees outside are almost parallel to the ground below them. The wind is ripping the leaves off and throwing them down to my feet. My hair is dancing around my head. My scarf is wrapped tightly around my neck.

I have the leftover taste of medicine in my mouth. It's my little toast to the upcoming season. *cough*cough*

Snow's falling around the world. Only rain here for now though. A few more degrees lost and we'll soon have ice.

I've been lost. Trying to retrace my steps through puddles that weren't there before. Do I trust my sense of direction?

The night's going to be a long one. I hope the sun comes up soon. We need some warmth up in here.

Distance and the fonder heart

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I don't know if that's true.

Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not.

Sometimes distance makes the heart grow weary, sometimes it makes it grow curious, and sometimes it just makes it grow.

Distance of space and time is like a test; a test to see if your heart is truly unchanging.

There are times I curse distance, and others where I welcome it. Either way, it's an inevitably of life, and fighting it won't make things any easier.

So come distance, come time, come and stay a while. I'll make us some tea and see who can stick around the longest...

Saturday Post - No more cobwebs / A piece of you / Paris

Today's post is a little atypical, as I ordinarily post during the week. However, seeing how little I've posted this week, I've decided to write up a special Saturday edition.

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No More Cobwebs

Matters of the heart is a curiosity that has plagued men and women alike for centuries on end. Why do cheezy pop songs about love climb the charts? It seems because we all unfortunately know (and have felt) what the singers are talking and singing about... we relate to it.

Ah, the heart. What a funny place. What little control we have over it. Or is that really the case?

I once thought that I had no control of my heart. I thought my heart had settled on one person, and for almost 10 years that fact remained unchanged. But it was a heart in waiting, and I don't get the impression that hearts will wait around forever. Not if it's the only one waiting.

So I took a summer and decided to open my heart, and let in more than I had ever before. It was my summer of love. It began and ended in San Francisco, but it branched out to LA, Germany, Poland, and Paris. By the end, my heart had swelled, and as it emptied, I found myself feeling free; free of the cursed love I had carried around with me for so long. The only love I had left in me was a love for myself.

In the months that have followed, life has been challenging through my unemployment, family issues, and stress that has reached levels so high that my body is beginning to physically react... but I have never felt better. To have my heart back makes everything manageable.

There is someone in my life again now, and I find myself being apprehensive from time to time. I suppose I just want to make sure I know my balance point; I want to share my heart, but I don't want to give it away.

Time will tell how things progress, but I do know one thing. My heart was mine again, if even for only a short time, and that means that right now, for the first time in my life, I am beginning a relationship with someone and I don't have any old love in tow. And that knowledge -that feeling- is incredible.

It makes me feel like anything is possible.

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A Piece of You

There is something amazing about something that is handmade by a friend especially for you. It almost doesn't matter what it is that they've given you, so long as you know that they made it for you, you're going to love it. (Unless you don't love it, which happens sometimes..)

The question is though, why love it simply because they made it?

Well, making something takes time. Sometimes it takes days, or weeks. It takes forethought, planning, and effort. It takes time out of that person's life.

But that time doesn't disappear. It is captured within the finished product. It will forever reflect the person who made it in the eyes of its recipient. A handmade item for a friend is like a time capsule of your soul. So long as its around, you're around.

And that's what friends are for ;)


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Paris

Paris, Paris, Paris. I finally figured out why I like you so.

You treat me like an adult.

You allow me to make it my responsibility to watch out for the multitudes of scooters and Vélib riders who careen past the line of traffic-jammed cars as I cross the street. You test my patience on Sundays and Mondays by shutting everything down, but it forces me to just simply plan ahead. You keep the lights on at night so if I want to drink wine with my friends at the Seine until the first metro, we can; you know we'll be okay.

Paris, you let us learn lessons along the way of our mistakes. You trust that we have a head on our shoulders. You leave us alone to make our own decisions. And yet, your rain, your clouds, your fog, and your sunshine always remind us that you are the reason for all of this in the first place.

So big'ups to Paris. As far as cities go, you're like a mother to me.

possibly maybe

I met a man many years ago.

He befriended me, and I him.

We stayed in touch over the years, over the distance.

We saw each other again recently.

We had yet another wonderful time together.

I didn't want to say goodbye.

He said I didn't have to.

Now he lays here next to me.

And I couldn't be happier.

Letting the days slip by...

Summer is falling from the trees in shades of yellow and brown.

The winds are cooler. The sun is setting sooner. The warm sweaters are coming out to play.

I lay here and wonder if fall will pass as quickly as summer; a summer that now feels like a dream.

So much can change in a season.

Winter is upon us and I wonder what other surprises will tag along.

I'm looking forward to finding out...